pisode five! We’re well into season 12 at this point. There’s no escape now. The helicopter has left the island. Laura Dern’s hyperventilating in a generator room. Spared no expense. Life finds a way. While we’re on this very tenuous metaphor that’s really just giving an excuse to deliver Jurassic Park lines, imagine RuPaul, in full drag, saying “Dinosaur EATS man … WOMAN, inherits the earth!” A Jurassic Park movie with drag queens has to happen. Someone get Universal on the blower. It’s not like they’ve got any other franchises. Excitingly, at this point in the season, we can probably start referring to this as a “deep dive”. Or at least, a deep dip. Dippin’ it and doin’ it, as Wendy would say. If you don’t know who Wendy is, head to YouTube or BET and pack a lunch. Last week caused what could be politely described as a MAELSTROM among Drag Race connoisseurs, after fan fave Rock M Sakura was unceremoniously booted off in favour of someone who was wearing a stripy corset with some tassels on it. Aiden didn’t even get the referee reference until Jan pointed it out. Tut, tut. Pineapple tears Brita gets straight in there with the digs, saying she can’t believe Aiden “did the bare minimum and skated by again”. Cut to Aiden frowning, cue shady camera angles, cue tension-inducing rattlesnake noise. This is clearly the friction producers wanted on the show. It’s just a shame Rock had to take the fall for it. We’d like to state for the record that we are not saying this is definitely why Rock left, or that the show is in any way pre-determined. It’s just … conjecture. They’re talking about Rock leaving and at least five of them are crying. Unconvincingly. Gigi’s tears might be real, might be. The rest, not so sure. Either way, drag queens crying will never not be good TV. It’s second only to Julianne Moore crying – no-one can beat that. Brita is going on about how usually she’s been the top in New York (haven’t we all) and how she’s way too good to be in the bottom and that she’s really upset, and that blah blah blah stopped listening. She’s getting way too much airtime. Next! Aiden has a Dungeness tattoo on her chest. Dungeness is a coastal headland in Kent, famous for its windswept, bleak aspect and being the spiritual and physical home of seminal gay artist, filmmaker and author Derek Jarman. It’s home to his iconic black and yellow cottage that everyone posts photos in front of on Instagram. Aiden’s Dungeness tattoo might be a reference to something else, but we wouldn’t be AT ALL surprised if it was a Jarman reference. She’s that girl. We knew she was. Workroom Jackie Cox’s boy look is FANTASTIC! She looks like she should be wafting through flower gardens and pergolas with Margaery Tyrell. Julius Caesar wishes. The girls are standing around a table discussing which one of them is hottest out of drag. Jaida nominates herself, of course. Heidi says “Jan would be trade if she still had her boy brows!” and everyone SCREAMS with laughter. Calm down everyone. It was a pithy comment, sure, but it wasn’t that funny. RuPaul enters the workroom wearing a long white coat – ushering in a rather unfortunately timed medical themed set of challenges. The minichallenge is, it’s fair to say, fairly minima – select a pill bottle from a tray, whoever gets one with a pink pill gets final say in who plays which part in the main challenge. Yes, another acting challenge. In the immortal words of that woman talking about general elections on BBC News … NOT ANOTHER ONE! Gay’s Anatomy It’s a drag parody of Shonda Rhimes never ending mega-hit. Look, they had no way of knowing we’d all been on medically recommended lockdown with thousands dying worldwide. It’ ain’t their fault. Gigi and Nicky are in charge of casting and they give Aiden the role of … THE GHOST. Casting brilliance. To Gigi and Nicky’s credit, this genuinely doesn’t seem to be coming from a mean place. But for Aiden, this will be a jagged little pill to swallow. In her rehearsal scenes, Heidi honestly seems like she’s on a different planet. Heidi ‘N’ Closet is the energy we all need to carry forward over the next few weeks – she’s got relentless positive energy, she amuses herself, she uses everything at her disposal to bring joy and she’s wearing a t-shirt that says “I am my history’s hopes and dreams” paired with some marijuana print leggings. We say this every week but – we are in love. Jackie Cox says that when she was a kid her mum tasked her with bringing stool samples to the lab she worked in. We’ll take THINGS THAT NEVER HAPPENED for five hundred! Gay’s Anatomy is being directed by filmmaking expert Carson Kressley. The double entendres are insufferable – anal-phalactic shock? REALLY? This challenge is throwing things up in the air a bit – Widow, Gigi and AIDEN are doing pretty well, while Jaida and Nicky are struggling. If this all culminates is Nicky being eliminated, je téléphone à la police. Sisterhood A touching insight into Jackie’s relationship with her mum, and the nuances of being from an immigrant family in the US (or perhaps to some degree, from an immigrant family anywhere). But that’s somewhat upstaged when we learn that Widow’s mum died in a car crash. She speaks candidly about how she was never able to come out to her and it’s heart-rending. The girls gather round to comfort her. We’ve said it before but we’ll say it again; this season has put far more emphasis on sisterhood and solidarity, perhaps taking a leaf out of the UK version’s book. It’s a much better look for the show and god knows it’s a lesson we all should heed right now. Sissy that walk RuPaul looking drop dead gorgeous in a sparkly lime green ensemble, with curvier curves than she usually goes for, but it’s working! Carson’s fun and fresh in a shiny blazer. We like Carson. Michelle’s laughing maniacally. And guest judge Normani …UGH! GORGEOUS! Blue eyeliner like it’s 1997, hair piled up and lifted, a hundred-watt smile that makes Julia Roberts look like Patti or Selma. Stunning. The runway category this week is “Planet of the Capes”. Ha. Not our favourite look from Jaida this week, a bit pageant. Still superb of course. Jackie Cox is STUNNING in an intricate shout-out to her heritage. She’s really coming out of her shell. Jan is RUNNING down the runway and we love it. “Good morning, campers!” Gigi Goode pumps down the runway in a flawless fashion forward khaki number. “I wanna look like I was tricked into becoming a Scout leader!” she drawls. Widow’s watermelon creation is … a fever dream. She seems inclined towards the psychedelic; her looks are all very vivid. Like Charlie & The Chocolate Factory. It’s unexpected, but enjoyable. EVERYONE’S looks are pretty strong. The weakest runway looks are perhaps Heidi and Brita. She who will not be named wins – and the episode ends with a note that $5,000 has been donated to the Trevor Project as a result. Lipsync for your LIFE It’s the lipsync and two of our favourites are in the bottom two. Great. The song is by pop icon Kim Petras – if you haven’t heard of her look her up, she’s a true revolutionary and one of the most exciting pop stars in a generation. Heidi does a Normani dance move AT Normani. She also does the robot. She’s staying. Au revoir, Nicky! Notes and observations Shadiest moment Nicky and Gigi giving Aiden the role of the ghost. Spooky shade. Catchphrase watch “Good morning, campers!” Animal print hunt EXTINCT, as far as we could see. Zero items! Correct us if we’re wrong. Just between us squirlfriends Well, this season is NOT going how we thought it would, but predictable TV is not good TV. If they continue with this Aiden storyline it’ll start to run thin pretty quick.