The funniest standup I’ve ever seen … Without a doubt, An Audience With Billy Connolly. The “incontinence pants” routine is such a brilliant piece of physical comedy. The funniest TV show I’ve ever seen … Friends. I love it so much. It is so wonderfully written and the gag rate is phenomenal. The writing team would work on the basis of finding multiple punchlines for each joke and it shows. The funniest film I’ve ever seen … Really tough one as I have so many. Probably Blazing Saddles. So quotable, so politically incorrect yet so funny. The funniest item of clothing I’ve ever owned … There is a photo of me where I am wearing Bermuda shorts that have a werewolf on them with bright green sunglasses on saying “radical”. Absolutely tragic. The funniest meal I’ve ever eaten … A couple of years back I had a go at making French onion soup. I got my measurements and consistencies all wrong so it resulted in a watery, grey mess. It was so salty you could float in it. It was abysmal. The funniest hairstyle I’ve ever had … I have had some shocking hairstyles, from trying to look like Noel Gallagher in the mid-90s to badly dyeing it bleach blond. The worst was when I cut my own hair with clippers and forgot to put the guard on: I shaved a huge divot into the side of my head, panicked and tried to stick the hair back on. The funniest thing that shouldn’t be funny … People being prank scared. The Japanese do it the best. There is a wonderful video where a guy enters a lift with a box of snakes and then when the doors close he drops it. The panic of everyone else in the lift is hilarious. The funniest joke I’ve ever heard … What’s ET short for? He’s got wee legs. Mark Nelson hosts Live at the Stand Comedy Club, livestreamed every Saturday, thestand.co.uk