h, but what a blissful sound last Sunday morning, as the church bells rang out in town for the first time since heaven knows when. To my untutored ear, they sounded a mite scratchy, but little wonder after so many fallow months. This was swiftly followed by the news of the reopening of Chichester cathedral. Interviewed on local television to announce these uplifting tidings was the cathedral’s “visitor experience manager”. A what? I’m sure in the good old days such people were known as guides and dressing up such people with fancy titles is one of the besetting sins of our time. Quite how you manage an experience is beyond me. All you need to do in such a glorious building is open your eyes and succumb in wonderment (though I would recommend you avert your gaze from Noli Me Tangere by Graham Sutherland on the altar of the Mary Magdalene chapel). We’re not talking about theme parks here, after all. Load, aim, fire I am indebted to Lancaster University for sending me a paper on why fire metaphors during the pandemic are more fit for purpose than war metaphors, which have “been criticised for inappropriately personifying the virus as a malevolent opponent, creating unnecessary anxiety and dangerously legitimising authoritarian governmental measures”. The paper cites the opinion of “globally renowned metaphor expert and linguist Professor Elena Semino”. There is “no silver bullet”, she writes. “No metaphor can cater for all aspects of something as complex and long term as a global pandemic, nor for all contingencies and audiences. We will therefore still need marathons, tsunamis, battles (in moderation) and even glitter in our metaphorical tool kit. But fire metaphors are undoubtedly one of the most useful metaphorical tools at our disposal.” I’m with her all the way in calling for fewer martial references, and call me picky, but surely a globally renowned metaphor expert should know the difference between a silver bullet and a magic bullet. Time for a new tool kit, prof. •Jonathan Bouquet is an Observer columnist