his is not a play about football. It’s not even a play about women’s football. Although it’s worth noting that when I first mooted the idea around six years ago I was told it was “a bit niche”. However, discussing the commission with the National Theatre four years later I’m glad to say that, what with the Euros looming and in light of the expanding awareness of the women’s game, it was deemed a plus. But the play is really about power. I’ve always loved playing football (five-a-side, some in leagues, some not, men’s teams, women’s teams – anyone who’ll have me basically) and two of the many aspects of it I enjoy are the team ethos and the instinctive obligation to live in the moment. It’s impossible to play a game of football (arguably any sport) and worry about your tax at the same time. So, if casual sexism rears its head on the pitch, and power games are being played by some (male) coaches in the one arena where we should be free from all that, it rankles. Eventually stories of manipulation start coming out, stories that it seems have been held in abeyance by two things; the fear of falling out of favour and that paralysing question: “Or is it me?” The idea for a play took root between what happened to me and pure fiction. I was shocked by the extent to which so many otherwise assertive women were kept in check on the pitch by the misuse of power, and decided to set up a new team – all women, run by women – and see if we could win differently. Tricky, in a world where actual goals are the measure of success. It’s not that women are fairer than men at exercising power – in fact there’s that prevailing myth that women are even worse (“women beware women”) – but gender plays its part and, especially in the wake of the #MeToo movement, these are urgent questions: How big a part? What does fair look like in a win/lose arena? Characters, plot, argument – “any resemblance to reality is pure coincidence” – but it’s only fair to admit I do have the cup on my mantelpiece. This extract is taken from the arrival of a player 10 minutes before the game, by which time several noses are out of joint, tensions are high and it’s all, as they say, about to kick off. Fair Play Act I BELS appears. A chorus of greetings. BELS I look like a boy? STEVIE /No. SWEDE Yeah. BILLIE Why? BELS Receptionist sends me to the men’s changing room. I’m sitting there five minutes thinking big lockers, man. These guys walk in. Uh oh. I’m thinking. We got the unisex changing rooms now? Che pensiero terribile. STEVIE Different definition of changing. BILLIE Give it a few more years we’ll have mixed teams. STEVIE Give it a few more years it’ll be women against men. BELS Give it hundred years maybe the men they will be all in short skirts complaining why we don’t get paid enough our women they never do the washing up and how it is they want sex all the time? I can’t wait this long. Who we playing? KIM Bels, new girl, Shelan. BELS Hey new girl. KIM Billie, you OK? BILLIE Am I on the bench? KIM Uh yeah. /But my ankle’s playing up, so … BILLIE /OK, no problem, it’s OK. STEVIE This bench is long. This bench is longer than the team. This bench is like Hadrian’s flipping wall. KIM Cool. OK. Kick-off’s in five. Come on guys, let’s go up. BELS Who we are playing? KIM Bunch of solicitors. BELS What you mean? KIM I mean – what do you mean what do I mean? They’re lawyers, you know, they practise law. BELS I thought maybe it was euphemism. KIM A euphemism? BELS Yeah you know, like “bunch of cunts”. KIM No. Why. Why would I say that? SWEDE Hey. Some of us are in the legal profession. BELS I know this. /I’m not saying nothing like this. KIM They happen to be a firm of solicitors, and they happen to be violent, that’s all. BETH /Yeah he said we have to take them out. KIM No they can play their game, we play fair. And no diving. SWEDE Not even Cathy? KIM Apart from Cathy. Cathy needs to dive. SWEDE You looking at me? KIM Yes. The only reason for diving is if you’re a /keeper. BELS /Pussy. STEVIE Duck. CATHY reappears. STEVIE What did he say? CATHY He said no one’s looking. BILLIE /That’s not the point. STEVIE Didn’t you tell him I had an injury? CATHY I’m not gonna lie am I? STEVIE So I have to play? BELS You don’t want to play? Why you don’t want to play? STEVIE Forgot my bra. BELS Che catso. CATHY He says if you don’t play he wants Shelan on. SHELAN Me? SWEDE Fuck off, he doesn’t. STEVIE You’re kidding? SHELAN I don’t want to play. BILLIE /She doesn’t want to play. BETH /She can’t play. STEVIE She doesn’t even want to play. SWEDE We have to win this game. CATHY Hey don’t shout at me. It’ll only be for a few minutes. LOLA So we’re all on the bench? CATHY I think he just wants you to observe for a bit. LOLA What does that mean? BETH It means watch. LOLA /I fucking know what it means. CATHY He says you’re good at engendering positive energy. LOLA Cheering you mean? He wants me to be cheerleader? KIM OK. /We should go up now. CATHY He’s going to come and talk to us in here. BILLIE He’s not coming in here. It’s the girls’ changing room. SWEDE We’re changed. SHELAN /I’m not. I’m not. CATHY Here, put these on. CATHY hands SHELAN some shin pads. SHELAN /OK. BILLIE It’s a rule. /No men in the changing room. CATHY /Other way round babe. SWEDE Doesn’t matter if we’re all changed. SHELAN Sorry. BILLIE He doesn’t get to change the rules. LOLA It’s not a fucking game. SWEDE It is a fucking game. LOLA No, this I mean this I mean this. BELS Yeah, come on guys, let’s go up before he comes down. Let’s have a lovely time. Is a beautiful day. We are a beautiful team. We’re gonna smash it. Come on. SHELAN But I can’t play. I need the toilet. I haven’t – oh makeup. BILLIE You don’t need makeup. SHELAN I mean take it off! What position I don’t even know what position? STEVIE OK so we don’t really do positions. It’s five-a-side. But Swede is a natural defender, I’m midfield, and Kim is a striker, so I reckon he’ll want you in the middle. SHELAN I can’t do headers. /I’ve still got my clips in. KIM /It’s under head height. STEVIE Listen, if you start off midfield, OK, I’ll be on the right, you take the left, OK. And remember / never pass the ball back to the keeper when she rolls it out. SHELAN Headband. /My hair. I forgot to bring a headband. CATHY Yeah never pass it back to me. /Where are my gloves? SHELAN Don’t you need it? BELS It’s just superstition. SHELAN /Never pass it to you. BELS What’s the matter, Beth? BETH Nothing. BELS Good girl. Come on guys, look lovely, best foot forward, let’s be ’aving ’em. KIM And you’re not allowed in the semi. SHELAN /Not in the semi. KIM /Ever. SWEDE Come on guys, stop fuckin’ about. They go. BILLIE stops CATHY in the door. BILLIE Cath. Cathy. What about me? Why am I on the bench and Kim is playing? CATHY It’s not a punishment, being on the bench. BILLIE Easy for you to say, you’re never on it. It’s just he said we were going to play together for once. He agreed. I mean did he say why I’m not? CATHY I don’t know Billie, maybe because you’re shit in bed? CATHY goes. BILLIE is stunned.