The dilemma I feel awful saying this, but I’m holding loads of resentment towards my young stepson. I met his father when the boy was only two. For years we’ve all had a great relationship, but recently I gave birth to our baby, and I found I was becoming less tolerant of his son throughout my pregnancy and started to dread him staying with us. My partner is unaware of this, as I hide it very well – I’m sure this is my issue. But I found I was at breaking point today. We’re in the last days of my partner’s paternity leave and his ex rang to say his son wasn’t well and asked if we could look after him. I cried for an hour (again hidden from my partner) as this time is so special. There seems to be nothing wrong with the boy and I believe she just couldn’t be bothered to take him to school when she knew we were at home. She became pregnant as a way to try to keep my ex from leaving her (before I met him), but he left when his son was eight months old. She has lived with her parents ever since. This means that the boy is completely spoilt and is very rarely disciplined. I’ve taken pride in my life choices. I’ve got a good career, am well travelled and saved hard to buy a house. She is lazy and just wanted to be a housewife. Their son has some of these traits. I was hoping our new baby would distract me from my feelings, but it seems to be making me feel worse. Mariella replies Take a breath. Soon what you’re feeling will slide even further down your scale of priorities. With luck your current conundrum will dissolve away into the haze of sleeplessness and constant duty that is the new parent’s lot. Let’s face it, even if you’re reluctant about it, this is no longer all about you. Having a baby is all-consuming and can be an enormous drain, both emotionally and physically. I’m glad you began your letter by saying you feel awful about expressing these negative feeling about your stepson – he’s the innocent victim here and allowing him to become the object of your ire is both unjustified and unacceptable. He’s had to live first through his parents’ no doubt painful separation, then being “tolerated” by his father’s new partner and now there’s another sibling invading the world he was once kingpin of. On top of all that you’re now trying to reduce his visits and questioning his need to see his father at a time when he’s bound to be feeling vulnerable and insecure. Whether there’s something unappealing in him or not, he has every right to want to come and seek the reassurance he needs that his father still loves him. Speed forward a few years and imagine it’s your baby in this situation. I love the way we all assume we know the truth of other people’s relationships when most of the time we’re merely the recipients of secondhand propaganda, passed on by someone with an agenda. No one has a baby simply to “keep” a partner and I’m sure you don’t need me to remind you that both participants in any sexual relationship are responsible for contraception. At the very least your man was careless if he already had one foot out the door. The generous and healthier view is that this young boy was brought into the world, just as your baby was, loved by the two people who conceived him and with a right to be raised in the security of their love for him. That doesn’t leave your baby with less, but with the added benefit of a sibling and wider family unit, all of which is to be celebrated and nurtured. You will be feeling emotionally raw right now, just as every new mother does. You might even have a degree of postnatal depression – talk to your GP, or consult the NCT (nct.org.uk), who can advise you and offer support. For someone so used to life falling into place as you describe, motherhood may be a particularly challenging journey because your investment doesn’t always pay off. Children are as likely to do the opposite of what you wish as they are to comply. So get ready not to be able to pull the strings and watch your puppet dance to your tune. Your relationship doesn’t exist in a vacuum where you create the boundaries of who does and doesn’t fit into your family circle. Whatever the realities of your partner’s past relationship, the situation now is that together you have two children you are responsible for and how they were made and who they most take after is irrelevant. I suggest for your own mental health and for the sake of this young boy you access some form of family therapy. Again, your GP will be able to help with this. This boy is a fragile vessel into which you appear to be pouring historic resentments and unreliable narratives. What happened to the season of joy and goodwill to all men (and women), especially those way too small to look after themselves?