The dilemma My husband and I have two adopted children with complex and lifelong learning disabilities who attend a specialist school. I left my job to stay at home with them as their needs were much greater than we ever anticipated, but I have struggled. I feel I have lost my own sense of being and identity. I am exhausted, on antidepressants and suffer with anxiety, PTSD and chronic depression. I also have elderly parents with a history of illness. I do have some joy in the form of gardening, which has given me a purpose, a sanctuary, and brings me beauty and hope. We have a small garden, and I want to expand it into a larger business, which may even support the children in the future, much like a care farm. Lockdown meant my husband could work at home and because we don’t need to live near his office any more we started to think about getting a bigger house and garden near a specialist college for the children. We found one which ticks many requirements, but I’m now struggling to leave my parents and all we’ve known. They don’t want to move and I’m worried in case either becomes ill or has an accident. I feel like I’m on a runaway train that I can’t stop. I can see all the benefits, but I am completely torn between the needs of us four as a family and those of my ageing parents. Mariella replies That’s a toughie. It’s been illuminating during this past year, defined by the pandemic, to see how many among us have close and supportive relationships with ageing parents. Before the virus there seemed an assumption that Britons were a heartless lot, abandoning those who gave birth to us the moment we were capable of independence or they became frail. So to see so many go far out of their way to protect their parents, to care for them in lockdown, to place the oldest at the front of the queue for the vaccine and deliver their weekly shopping, has turned those notions on their heads. We’re very good at self-criticism in this country. Indeed, I’d say that as a nation we suffer from a crippling dose of insecurity. As the octogenarian firecracker Dame Sheila Hancock told me the other day in an interview, insecurity is as crippling as any disease and should be considered one. So your letter, which sees you torn between the new lease of life you clearly need and maintaining the status quo in order to do your duty, is a particularly timely one. There’s no question that the measure of a society is in how it treats its most vulnerable and I’d say that, apart from some major lapses during the past nine months, the elderly have generally been protected, considered, valued and prioritised. If only I could say the same for the young. While we’ve been clapping for the carers, professional and voluntary, our kids have lost educational opportunities and a big chunk of their childhood to this miserable period in history. And let’s not forget those, like you, who are trapped in the middle of these generational extremities, trying to balance your own needs against those pressing in on you from both sides. I’m presuming you are getting professional help with the mental health difficulties you outline (if not, Mencap would be a good place to start) so it’s the lifestyle question you need me to chew over. What’s clear is that it is time you spared a thought for your own wellbeing, on which not just your two children but also your parents depend. Covid has encouraged many of us to reevaluate our lifestyles and the choices presenting themselves to your family are being echoed up and down the land. Only you can work out the logistics, but in terms of the future wellbeing of your family I can’t see how you can turn down this opportunity. There’s a limit to how much each human can carry and although there are those who shoulder devastating loads with barely a whimper there’s a hefty price to pay for not taking your own fulfilment and happiness seriously enough. Even without the mitigating circumstances you describe, I would be urging you to look after number one and let numbers two, three, four, five and six follow. Your parents will have what’s best for you as their priority. That’s what parenting is about, a long painful process of letting go – the very thing you least want to do from the start. They’ve been lucky to have you in their close vicinity for as long as they have and I presume you will remain available to them when they need you – and a regular visitor. But now you must tend to your own needs as committedly as you would your garden. Your family, like your plants, needs you to be in full bloom. So take this chance to expand your lungs and kickstart an alternative lifestyle. Judging by the circumstances you deserve this spell in daylight – and you won’t be the only beneficiary. If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk. Follow her on Twitter @mariellaf1