I’m a 27-year-old man and my girlfriend of five years is 30. When we started dating, we were sexually active and adventurous, but, as time has passed, especially in the past few years, that’s changed. We now have sex once every five to six weeks. She never initiates, and doesn’t really seem present. She recently alluded to getting a vibrator, which excited me, but I don’t know if she will follow through. She hates talking about our sex life and her sexuality, which I find worse than the lack of sex. In the past, there have been times when I have been insensitive and brought up this topic in the wrong way, but I’m no longer like that. I feel as if I’m better at handling it, but it still makes me feel rejected and insecure, which puts a strain on our relationship. I want her to feel liberated to speak about how she is feeling, but she’s closed off, and it’s becoming an elephant in the room. Your girlfriend is actually communicating very well about sex – nonverbally. And, understandably, you do not like the message. It seems she is avoiding you sexually and, frankly, the “vibrator” reference may well be her way of saying she doesn’t need your penis. You have reached an impasse in your relationship, which will not be broken unless you find out exactly why your sexual and emotional connection was lost and find a good strategy to heal the rift. It would probably be useful to acknowledge your past insensitivities, and apologise. Then calmly and sincerely share your true feelings of sadness and frustration. Say “I really miss being intimate with you. Could we please talk about it? Help me to understand what you feel and how we lost our closeness?” Listen carefully, then share your own feelings without blaming her. Truth-telling can lead to a showdown and ultimatum, so first you should decide if you could continue in the relationship as it is or not. Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders. If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms. Comments on this piece are premoderated to ensure discussion remains on topics raised by the writer. Please be aware there may be a short delay in comments appearing on the site.