SMR. It sounds like an illness or a government department, I know. But it is, in fact, one of the few things that helps my brain stop whirring at night. Or, at the very least, whir more slowly. The abbreviation stands for “autonomous sensory meridian response”. I won’t go into the science behind it (mostly because I don’t understand it), but essentially, it’s a pleasurable feeling one gets from certain noises or sensations. I wouldn’t have thought that listening to recorded quotidian noises would be something I’d find relaxing. I have written before about my love of silence. I would rather grab my coat and bag, fold my laptop and trudge across to the other side of a cafe than listen to someone absent-mindedly but repeatedly clicking a pen nearby. And yet, it turns out that I absolutely cannot get enough of listening to playlists of people rustling paper; sketching with pencils; using typewriters. It may seem odd, but I like to think that listening to someone mess around with blocks of wood is just the natural evolution from 1990s therapists prescribing cassettes of whalesong. I never thought I would admit to liking roleplay, but in the context of ASMR, I’m putting it out there: whenever I struggle to get to sleep, which is always, I listen to a YouTube video of a woman pretending to cut my hair. There’s the gentle crush of the brush bristles; the snip, snip of the scissors; the soft hiss of spray. None of this compares to a sleeping pill, but in terms of winding down, this aural language acts as a kind of tranquilliser. I shouldn’t find it relaxing to listen to a pretend doctor’s appointment, given how much time I spend in actual hospitals, but again, the snap of a latex glove, or the muffled closeness of an imaginary ear exam (probably someone rubbing a cloth over a microphone, to be honest), is calming. I am not the only one who finds all this worthwhile: millions now consume ASMR videos and recordings. Obviously, this means the practice has been monetised to the hilt – something I try not to think about, as it drags me back into a busy world of commerce and internet celebrity. No need to dwell on all that. But I recommend listening to recorded waves at night if you don’t live by the sea. If you do live by the sea – well, then, please invite me to stay. It would be a pleasure to listen to the real thing.