s I have written before, my lockdown has involved a selection of deep dives into different hobbies, ranging from trying to DJ to making the perfect porridge. Each one does the vital job of keeping my mind off the mental challenges of what we are all going through, while also involving some small degree of self-improvement. Soon I will re-enter the world as a music-mixing porridge connoisseur who is also excellent at colouring-in. One of my latest obsessions, believe it or not, is rewatching old series of Coach Trip. There is something incredibly addictive about seeing people shout at each other to the point of tears about the prospect of staying another day on a coach journey. It is also extraordinary to see how offensive some parts of it feel. In the 2010 celebrity series, EastEnders’ Ricky Groves and Alex Ferns were runners-up, despite flashing their penises at models and “TV personalities” Bianca Gascoigne and Imogen Thomas, and then going on to claim they were the victims because the women had misinterpreted what they meant by it. In one non-celebrity episode, they are driving through Kraków, and Brendan Sheerin, the incredible tour guide, asks the group what they think of Poland. Someone replies: “Well, you can see why they all come over to us.” The celebrity series also featured Ben Duncan from Big Brother, and Raef Bjayou of The Apprentice, who were never destined to last long because their poshness alienated them from the rest of the group. It appears that they had decided, most likely at the behest of the producers, to lean into this as much as their brogues would allow. At one point, they get on to the subject of spa treatments and skincare, and Raef mentions that he uses Umbrian clay on his face, but never moisturises. Ordinarily this would have barely registered with me, but in lockdown it was a new thing to grab hold of. My wife pointed out that Raef had beautiful skin – the sort of skin that we might like to have. We rewound the show to make sure that we had heard him properly, and then went into research mode. We spent an hour looking into the clay and its properties, to see if there was evidence to back up Raef’s claims. We were keen to pull the trigger on a purchase, even if it felt weird to spend money on something recommended by an Apprentice contestant on a 10-year-old episode of Coach Trip. After a dual online effort, we decided we had amassed enough information to make the purchase. As is the magic of online shopping, some Umbrian clay arrived on our doorstep two days later. We were thrilled, and decided to put some on while we watched Coach Trip that evening. There was a time when, if you had suggested to me I would be putting on a face mask to watch Coach Trip in bed, I would have been terrified about my future. Now, with circumstances as they are, it felt like the best evening I might have all year. When I discovered the mask had to be applied for only 10 minutes, I was almost disappointed. We watched nine minutes and 50 seconds of the show before rushing to the bathroom to see the results. Reader, I was astonished. My face felt clearer, my skin felt softer, and I am almost 50% certain it wasn’t just the placebo effect of having just forked out £50 on a tiny jar of the stuff. It’s now become part of our weekly ritual. Every time I see Raef on television, I will think two things: 1) you have changed my skincare regime for ever; and 2) I know you think the cucumber slices on your eyes were endearing, but nobody else on the coach agreed.