The year is 1641. We open in France, where confusingly, everyone is speaking English. A Scottish man has been caught selling weapons to enemies of Louis XIII, and as punishment is forced to wear a red-hot iron mask forever. Cut to “the not too distant future”, where the man’s descendant, Christopher Eccleston, is presenting a lecture about newly weaponised flying metal bugs to some Nato employees. “Originally developed to isolate and kill cancer cells, at MARS industries we discovered how to program nanomites to do almost anything. For example … eat metal”. It turns out “nanomites” can also be injected into rocket warheads, and thus the back story and premise of GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra is explained in less than a minute. The opening sets the tone for the film that follows – speedy, irony-free B-movie action nonsense, delivered to you with the efficiency of a Big Mac on a Friday night And if it requires Christopher Eccleston to do a PowerPoint presentation so we can get on with watching helicopters blow up in slow motion, then dammit Christopher Eccleston will do a PowerPoint. On top of which, this particular Big Mac is filled with … Channing Tatum. Despite his previous acting highlights including the Step Up dance movies and grinding topless in the background of the video for Ricky Martin’s She Bangs, when asked about GI Joe in an interview in 2012, Channing Tatum said, “I fucking hate that movie.” Luckily for us, in 2009 Channing Tatum did a three-movie deal with Paramount and was forced to accept the GI Joe role to avoid being sued. Despite his dislike of the film, Channing Tatum is still Channing Tatum and both he and his massive arms give it their all – and he has gone to the Michael Bay School of Turning Around in Slow Motion While Holding a Machine Gun. After turning around slowly, he and his partner Marlon Wayans load some nanomite warheads into a jeep, refer to a group of muscular male soldiers as “ladies” and tell them to “mount up”. Strap in, everyone.