Name: Sexy towns. Age: As old as human settlement. Appearance: Andover, basically. Andover?! Yes, Andover in Hampshire. Or Sexy Andover, as we shall now be calling it. Really? What’s so sexy about Andover? Oh, plenty. It’s the location of the army’s headquarters; the TV presenter Richard Arnold was born there; and there’s a spiffy ear-wax irrigation clinic on Charlton Road. It’s not exactly bikini-clad dancers in Rio, is it? Hardly the palm-studded beaches of Honolulu? Oh, fine. If you want to know the real reason why Andover is sexy, it’s because loads of people have sex there. They do? Kind of. Andover has just come top in a survey of the UK’s sexiest towns. The survey was conducted by a website that sells sex toys and lingerie and based on sales. Apparently, it ships tons to Andover. Can you be more specific? Regrettably, I can. According to the survey, Andover’s most popular fantasy is “French maid and butler”. Hang on, if we know the country’s sexiest town, do we know its least sexy town? That we do. It’s the poor old Lancastrian town of Nelson. Nelson’s favourite fantasy is “adult student costume”, but that isn’t enough to cut it. Wait … I know what you’re going to say. You’re going to say that this survey creates a false equivalence between “sexiness” and “ability to spend disposable income on sex toys”. Exactly. And, listen, I’ve been to Andover. It’s nice enough, but it didn’t feel particularly sexy. So what’s the real sexiest location? Well, that depends. According to a 2015 survey that asked Americans which cities they thought were sexiest, it’s Paris. According to another survey, conducted in 2019, it’s Miami. Great, we’re getting somewhere. Hold on a minute … Research in 2016, based on Instagram hashtags, found that Monaco was the sexiest place on Earth. Paris, Miami and Monaco. Seems conclusive to me. Oh, don’t forget Sunderland. SUNDERLAND. OK, fine, that was another survey conducted by the same sex toy site last year. Apparently, sales of sex toys in Sunderland rose by 82% over lockdown. So we’re back to those metrics again. Of course we are. A town’s sexiness is a thrillingly intangible, undefinable thing. It can come in many forms: softly lit restaurants, a thriving nightlife, a naughty twinkle in the eye of a bus driver, the promise of the forbidden behind the bins at the big Asda. Wow! This is hot! Are you single? That depends. Do you own a wipe-clean butler’s outfit? Do say: “Andover is the sexiest town in the UK.” Don’t say: “Which might make the UK the least sexy country in the world.”