The 2021 Strictly Come Dancing line-up has been unveiled in full, which can only mean one thing. It’s Christmas already. Merry Christmas everyone! But who are these brave celebrities who have dared to develop a close friendship with a professional dancer that has a statistically high likelihood of ending their marriage? Below you will find them all, ranked from worst to best in terms of probable success. Sara Davies Sara Davies is currently most famous for two things: appearing on Dragons’ Den a full decade after everyone stopped watching Dragons’ Den, and inventing a machine that makes envelopes. As such, it doesn’t matter what happens to her on Strictly. She could win, or shatter her pelvis the instant she’s introduced to her partner, or anything in between. This is already the crowning glory of her life, and we should all be giddy on her behalf. AJ Odudu Every year that I’ve done these rankings, I’ve had to pretend to be mystified about why black female contestants tend not to progress very far on Strictly, and now I have to do the same with AJ Odudu. The motto here, as if you needed to be reminded, is that you should never trust a voter base that enjoys clapping along to television theme tunes. Dan Walker Fun fact: every single time I have ever mentioned Dan Walker in print, he has sent me a tweet in response. So if it’s OK with you, I’m just going to address this next bit directly to him. Hello Dan, well done for being on Strictly Come Dancing this year. I honestly can’t see you doing very well, but it’s good that you’re making the effort. Does this mean that you’re trying to raise your profile so you can jump ship to ITV for more money? Please don’t tweet at me Dan, I’m being rhetorical. Judi Love You may know Judi Love from her appearances on Loose Women, This Morning and Celebrity Juice. But I’m more interested in the fact that she has a column in OK! magazine. Nobody who writes anything for anyone is in good enough shape to dance. If I started dancing right now, I’d be in the back of an ambulance with an exploded heart within minutes. On that basis, I’m worried for Judi. Greg Wise Greg Wise is an actor and writer, and was probably booked because Strictly wanted Emma Thompson, his wife, to be in the audience each week. His inclusion is a difficult one to call; my Twitter followers are absolutely convinced that he will win, but they also thought that Labour would win every election since 2010 and didn’t see Brexit coming. Probably better to assume he’ll be terrible, then. John Whaite Until recently, Whaite was best known for winning the third series of The Great British Bake Off. Now, though, he gets to make history as one half of Strictly’s first all-male partnership. As such, it doesn’t matter whether he’s any good at dancing or not, because his presence means that The Discourse will honk into town and grind our bones to dust long before anyone’s had the chance to properly assess him. Good luck to him. Rhys Stephenson Now, you are unlikely to know who Rhys Stephenson is unless you regularly watch CBBC. And if you regularly watch CBBC, then you are too young to text a premium-rate number in order to vote for a contestant on a televised dancing contest. What I’m saying is that Stephenson had better be absolutely goddamn spectacular on the dancefloor, or else he’s toast. Ugo Monye As a former England rugby player, Monye will go one of two ways. Either he’ll show a Matt Dawson level of physical deftness, or his body will be such a mess of strain and injuries that he’ll lurch about the floor like an arthritic Frankenstein. Either way, I’ll be watching keenly. Tilly Ramsay Tilly Ramsay is the daughter of Gordon Ramsay, but don’t let that put you off. Tilly seems more agreeable and better composed than her father who – as if it needs to be said – would be no good on Strictly. So there’s that? Rose Ayling-Ellis John Whaite isn’t the only Strictly contestant to be making history this year. Rose Ayling-Ellis – best known for her role on EastEnders – is set to become the show’s first ever deaf contestant. It must be daunting to be the figurehead for an entire community, but this is Rose’s chance to prove to the world that deaf people can do anything, including dancing better than Dan Walker. Robert Webb You’ll remember that, roughly one million years ago, Robert Webb took part in a dancing competition and did quite well. But then his heart packed in and he almost died, so he was unable to take part on Strictly. As such, his inclusion this year technically qualifies as a comeback, and – even though he’s bound to get dumped at some point in the anonymous middle stretch of the series – he should still count it as a lap of honour. Katie McGlynn You might know Katie McGlynn from her role as Sinead Tinker in Coronation Street, or as Becky Quentin on Hollyoaks, or as Scout Allen on Waterloo Road. Or you might know her from social media. Or you might not know her at all. Maybe you’re not even going to watch Strictly Come Dancing this year and you plan to go your entire life without knowing who Katie McGlynn is. Bit weird that you’re reading this if it’s the latter, but I won’t judge you. Either way, Katie will be voted off just before the Halloween episode, and there’s nothing you can do to stop it. Adam Peaty Clearly something has gone terribly wrong here. Usually when an athlete takes part on Strictly it’s after they’ve been retired for a few years and are punting around for a transition to television work. But Adam Peaty literally just won two gold medals at the Olympics. Literally. The man has barely got off the plane home from Japan. What on earth is he doing here? Either way, he’s clearly in tremendous shape and will undoubtedly stomp all over the competition. Nina Wadia Can Nina Wadia dance? Nobody knows. Does Nina Wadia have a fanbase large enough to see her to victory? Unsure. But listen, Nina Wadia being on Strictly Come Dancing means that Nina Wadia gets to be on television a bit more, and that’s the important thing. Even if she’s useless – even if she loses control of her legs entirely and ends up injuring a member of the studio audience – I vow to vote her through to the bitter end. Tom Fletcher Fletcher is a talented songwriter and children’s author, but make no mistake: he is only here because his wife won I’m a Celebrity last year. Can you imagine living in that house? Can you imagine cowering in your room to escape the sheer passive aggression of Tom and Giovanna endlessly trying to outdo each other on their comparative reality TV popularity? The endless red-eyed, ear-splitting arguments about whether or not doing a quickstep to an ironic novelty hit is more gruelling than having to share a campsite with Vernon Kay? It’d be like Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf. Tom had better win Strictly, for the sake of his marriage.