Name: The emergency avocado. Age: New. Appearance: Whenever you need it, it’s there. How does it differ from an ordinary avocado? It doesn’t, except for the speed. Who’s providing this? Traffickers? No, Deliveroo. Thanks to an extended partnership with Waitrose, your emergency avocado can be at your door in 20 minutes. What sort of emergency would constitute the immediate arrival of an avocado? You would have to ask Waitrose customers. According to the supermarket’s latest food and drink report, avocados are the most popular item for on-demand delivery. Where? In Oxford and Cambridge. Well, that figures. And Brighton. Typical. And they came second in Glasgow, after semi-skimmed milk. Really? Avocados? They were also second in London and Birmingham, after bananas. How can we explain this national love affair with the short-notice avocado? Who knows? They are an essential ingredient in guacamole – maybe people have forgotten to get some and their dinner parties need to be rescued. So this is about poor planning. People also seem to like them smashed. I prefer a curry when I’ve had a few, but to each their own. Mashed up and put on toast, I mean. Isn’t the luxury of avocado toast supposed to be the reason entitled millennials can’t afford to buy a home? That was the theory of Australian property mogul Tim Gurner in 2017. The idea held a certain currency for a time. What’s happened since? Evidently, millennials decided the avocados were worth it. But with the added delivery fee, now they won’t even be able to afford to rent! This might be a good sign – instead of ordering ready meals and white wine, people are having fresh fruit delivered. You’re claiming it’s a health trend? As an excellent source of omega-3 fatty acids and vitamins, C, E, K and B6, avocados are certainly good for you. So is a walk to the shops. It’s true that there’s a certain irony to the sloth involved in having an avocado biked to your door, but that’s not covered in the Waitrose food and drink report. Any other shopping trends I should know about? Apparently, people have stopped buying ironing water. Quite right, too. I drink tea when I iron. I’m going to leave you with your illusions. Do say: “And if you could smash it up for me on the way, that would be great.” Don’t say: “This service has been terrible – I shan’t be ringing 999 again.”