The prosecution: Ines Jay hates fish because of a distressing childhood experience, but it means I can’t have it either I can’t cook fish for me and my boyfriend, Jay, in our shared flat, and it’s getting annoying. I do most of the cooking and I really love seafood. When we were in lockdown I was bored with the usual meat dishes and craved a bit of salmon, but Jay insisted that we didn’t buy any. It’s a big compromise as I’m Portuguese and have grown up on wholesome, healthy fish all my life. Lockdown brought home how much I’ve missed the cooking of my childhood. Jay needs to come round because it’s affecting our mealtimes together. All our joint meals are fish-free so if I want seafood, I cook it when he’s away. One time Jay was out for a work meal and I thought, great, I’ve got free rein, and fried up some mackerel in a pan. Jay came back early and completely overreacted, saying “whoa, that stinks.” He kept washing the pan over and over and wouldn’t use it for a week as he thought the fish smell lingered. We can’t go out to seafood restaurants either. And when we do eat out, Jay goes crazy if I order fish. In fact, he hates it so much that if I’ve got fish on my plate I’m not allowed to use my fork to try some of his food. He’s so fearful of the flavour, even though I ensure there’s never any fish on the fork. It’s irrational and ridiculous. We usually split dishes and bills 50/50, but if I’ve ordered a fish dish, he will tell me I have to pay more because he didn’t get to try my order. Jay says he hates fish because when he was six, his dad gave him pasta mixed with a can of crabmeat that was three years past the sell-by date. It was disgusting. Since then he’s not been able to stomach seafood of any kind. I would like him to try fish again: he’s an adult now and surely our tastebuds change over time. I tell him the crabmeat episode was a long time ago and that he could try a prawn, but he tells me I am forcing him to eat something that makes him feel sick. It’s time for Jay to try and update his palate. The defence: Jay I was traumatised by seafood as a child, and my tastebuds do not need ‘updating’ I reject the idea that Ines isn’t allowed to cook fish in our flat. She’s strong-minded and if she wants to cook seafood, she will. I think she’s just learned that, because I hate it so much, it’s simply easier if she waits until I’m away. What’s wrong with that? I compromise, she compromises. I’ll admit, I’m not over the moon when she cooks fish at home, but I just ask her to exercise caution if I’m there. The only times I have overreacted are when we had one non-stick frying pan to share between us, and I had to use it directly after her. Fish can leave a strong aftertaste and smell. For that reason, when we eat out at restaurants, I’d rather she didn’t stick her fishy fork in my food. I won’t stop her ordering a mound of molluscs, but I don’t want to taste them, thanks very much. I’ve been traumatised by seafood. At six, my dad gave me bad crabmeat and I was violently ill. I also used to work on a fish counter at Sainsbury’s and had to fillet mackerel. Fish guts got stuck to the bottom of my shoes. Once, I went on holiday and left my work shoes in my car and when I returned the stench was awful. Recently, Ines forgot to turn on the extractor fan when she was cooking, which turned our home into a marine smokehouse. There was a putrid stench in the flat for days, just like the one from my fish-gutting days. It brought all those horrible memories back. I told her that this couldn’t happen again. I’m a reasonable man, but boundaries had to be set after incidents like that. Now if fish is cooked, appropriate ventilation and extraction are required and I need prior warning. I need to sign off Ines’s fish-cooking plans, so I’m prepared. Ines is the primary cook in the house because she’s better at it than me. I’ll eat whatever she wants most of the time, but if she tells me prawns are on the menu then a little part of me dies inside. We’re never going to agree on that. My tastebuds don’t need “updating”, as she puts it. I’m quite happy never tasting fish again, and Ines shouldn’t try to force it down my neck if the mere smell triggers me. The jury of Guardian readers Should Jay try to overcome his aversion to fish? Is it a food phobia or just a dislike? Jay uses words like traumatised – if so, he should get professional help. Jay’s idea of compromise is not mine; he could agree to her cooking some fish at home, and cook other things himself. Maureen, 69 Ines has compromised enough. Going crazy when ordering fish; paying less because he couldn’t try her order; “signing off” on cooking plans? Jay, I sympathise with you hating fish, but if you really don’t want it, you could cook your own meals. And then try some sustainable halibut. Tristan, 45 Stuck on a desert island, would Ines crave her prawns or her partner? If the former, there’s something fishy going on here! So long as Jay isn’t using his phobia to control Ines, I’d shell out for a second pan, agree to some “fish days”, and buy Jay a takeaway. Iona, 49 It’s a battle between Ines’s longing for Portugal and Jay’s unresolved childhood trauma. Those are more important things than the smell of fish. They should share a session with a friend or counsellor and talk about the underlying issues. The words fish or seafood are not to be mentioned. Bas, 52 Jay claims to be reasonable but seems to underestimate the strength of his reactions and the effect they have on Ines. It’s ridiculous that Ines should be held hostage by his pickiness. Maybe it’s not the tastebuds but the boyfriend that needs updating. Katherine, 28 You be the judge So now you can be the judge, click on the poll below to tell us: should Jay try and get over his phobia of seafood? We’ll share the results on next week’s You be the judge. The poll will close on Thursday December 16, at 9 AM GMT