A few years ago I gave my girlfriend her first sex toy, a small metal vibrator she could wear on a necklace, and then later, a more powerful, waterproof version she could use in the shower. For Christmas, I gave her a third sex toy: an even more powerful model. While our sex life is great, she now struggles to climax just with me, and has become addicted to the quick powerful orgasms the machines give her. I liked our old, slower, sex life, but now I feel I’m in a dystopian climax contest with a hyper-sexualised vacuum cleaner. I’m all for democratising the orgasm, but am I even needed in the bedroom any more? It seems you have excluded yourself from your sexual dialogue, and I wouldn’t be surprised if you felt an urge to confiscate her toys until you two can connect erotically again. Talk gently to your girlfriend. Tell her frankly that you are feeling redundant. Some couples forget that sex between them should not be a competition, nor an arena for one-sided pleasure. Ask her to help you to better understand her body, her arousal and orgasmic needs – without mechanical aids. Help her to slow down and enjoy sensuality as a prelude to better, non-mechanical orgasms. This will be an important learning curve for both of you. Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders. If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms. Comments on this piece are premoderated to ensure discussion remains on topics raised by the writer. Please be aware there may be a short delay in comments appearing on the site.