The question In the 1970s, I was anorexic and was in hospital for months as a teenager after being admitted as a medical emergency weighing just 5st. In those days, treatment was harsh, drug-based and punitive in tone. I recovered to live a fulfilling life. I was married for 30 years, raised two children, worked as a teacher and ended my career as head of a large comprehensive school. After my husband died, I had to unravel the records and finances of his company and close it down, which was stressful and sad. He had been ill before he died and I had been his carer. Since then I have sold the family home and moved to start a new life near the sea. I have done everything I should – joined the church, a local choir, a gym and made friends with neighbours. However, lockdown happened in the middle of my move and I have had to spend a great deal of time alone. To cut a long story short, my old problem came back and has taken me over. My daughters live far away and both have families of their own. I miss them, they want me to visit, but I make excuses because I fear not being able to hide the anorexia from them. I’m stuck, obsessed with staying “empty”. I cannot eat a meal without wanting to vomit. I never eat a cooked meal and avoid eating with others. I am exercising, counting calories, weighing myself incessantly – and all in secret. I am absolutely terrified because I cannot seem to control this – it makes me happy to feel free of food. Even though I want to stop, I don’t want to stop. Anorexia at my age seems ridiculous. Because we don’t know each other, I feel you are the only person I can tell. It would be dreadful to take a place at a clinic because these should go to young people. Philippa’s answer Bloody pandemic! You had no control over that loneliness, it was over a long period, too, and even now that lockdown is lifted, we have lost some of the carefree feelings we had before. You’ve had a stressful time of it, looking after your late husband, winding down his affairs, grieving and moving. MOVING! Just about the most stressful thing after being widowed. Stress, loneliness, more stress and now a massive secret. You needed emergency soothing. Anorexia was an old coping mechanism so it’s no wonder you went back to it. The one thing your body knows how to do is control how much food you digest. It may give you a momentary feeling of control, a fleeting happiness even – except, like an addiction, it is now controlling you. You’ve taken the first step by telling someone – me. You are also not in denial about what you are doing, you have awareness. These are two positives. It would not be dreadful to take a place at the eating disorder clinic. You’ve a right as much as anyone else. In therapy groups everyone has much to teach and show each other, and age does not come into it. It can be too hard to control an addiction alone – you do deserve help. Last time, your treatment was a punitive experience, I hope we’ve moved on from that. Your next step is your GP, who can advise you about therapy. You may be prescribed antidepressants to tide you over until you find alternative ways to self-soothe and emotionally regulate. Your self-awareness is a very good sign that you will beat this. That awareness is your friend. The anorexia has a voice telling you not to eat, not to have fullness, to count the calories. Use your awareness to recognise that voice as a false friend, see it as an invader separate from yourself. The other invader you need to be aware of is the critical inner voice that causes you to feel ashamed. See this as separate from yourself, too. You won’t be able to stop either of these voices straight away, but observe them, rather than being them. Think of a goal – maybe visiting your children and their families – and the steps you need to achieve that goal. Break them down into doable, achievable steps. It doesn’t matter how small. A good first step was telling me. A next one might be telling a friend or your children what you have been going through. Secrecy is anorexia’s friend, and anorexia is your enemy posing as a friend. Many of us have fallen back into self-destructive behaviour during the pandemic and are finding it hard to establish better habits. You are not the only former addict who has slipped up. You were coping with so much already and were then plunged into loneliness before you’d had a proper chance to bond with a new community – there is no shame in that being too much to cope with. You don’t need shame and anorexia, you need professional help and self-compassion. I’m so glad you wrote to me.