So that was Oscars 2022, or, as the Academy possibly refers to it: “The Oscars where absolutely nothing strange happened, and how was the play, Mrs Lincoln?” Apparently some broadcasters bleeped out the Slap Heard Around the World. Well, if it’s any consolation, TV viewers, even inside the Dolby Theater it wasn’t much clearer what the hell had happened, mainly because of the Oscars’ discombobulating determination to carry on – with the palpably strained smile of a Ziegfeld girl who has fallen down and broken her leg in several places, but is determined to get to the end of routine with a grin, dammit. So, everyone acted as if everything was totally normal, with Chris Rock having to present an award 10 seconds after Will Smith slapped him on stage. It was the weirdest instance of gaslighting I had ever experienced – until half an hour later, when Smith won the best actor Oscar, and implied in his speech that his attack was all part of God’s plan and he had merely been “protecting” his family. Shame he didn’t bother to tell Rock what God’s plan had been about how to protect his face. It’s almost enough to make you feel sorry for the Academy: it spends decades trying to find ways to make the Oscars interesting, only for them to become interesting in a way it really didn’t want them to be. The Oscars’ producer, Will Packer, had decided the right way to make the Oscars interesting was to cut some of the technical awards from the live TV broadcast in the hope it would stop people from going on too much about politics. Turns out he could have let all those sound and editing folks have their moment on TV after all. “Too many awards” was never going to be the takeaway of the night. Even before the ceremony, this Oscars was shaping up to be the most ridiculous yet, thanks to celebrities who continue to prove that Team America underplayed its satire. One of this year’s hosts, Amy Schumer, announced that she was fighting the bravest battle currently being waged in the west: trying to get more political content into the Oscars. And to this end, she wanted to give a boost to the latest sexy starlet, the content-provider everyone’s talking about, Volodymyr Zelenskiy, the president of Ukraine. “I wanted to find a way to have Zelenskiy satellite in or make a tape or something, just because there are so many eyes on the Oscars,” she said. Yes, so true. Unlike that silly war, which no one knows about, because it’s, like, super far away and not even on the front of Variety. “I am not afraid to go there,” Schumer carried on bravely, “but it’s not me producing the Oscars.” Sean Penn then issued what was described by some journalists as “an ultimatum” and by this journalist as “a parp” when he announced on Saturday that he would “smelt” his Oscar in public unless someone from the Academy would “check in with the leadership in Ukraine”. It’s always the celebrities who are the most keen to prove how deep and un-Hollywood they are who reveal themselves to be the most shallow and Hollywood-centric of all. Only a brain that has been severely corroded with too much Botox or narcissism would think that a politician in the middle of a literal actual war is waiting for a call from the Academy. “Oh please, Amy Schumer,” Zelenskiy is no doubt thinking right now, in between walking through bombed-out hospitals and asking for more foreign aid, “Please make me a star at the Oscars! Can I send in my audition tape?” Spoiler: Zelenskiy was a no-show, and the references to Ukraine were notably limited. But there was a mid-show “moment of silence” (and hashtag) for Ukraine, which, by a remarkable coincidence, lasted exactly the same amount of time as was needed for the stagehands to change the set. So convenient! I love it when resolving international conflicts can be multitasked with the housekeeping. Like doing the ironing while catching up on your podcasts: two birds, one hashtag. It was shortly after the moment of silence that The Incident happened. Now, I am sure there will be much commentary over the coming days about why Smith slapped Rock and who was more in the wrong (answer: Smith). But as I was in the theatre when it happened, and not a million miles away from Rock, I would like to point out a few oddities about the whole thing. 1. It’s quite weird that Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith were fine with the host Regina Hall joking about their open marriage early in the evening, but not with Rock joking about Pinkett Smith’s hair, no? 2. To all the people saying Rock’s jokes were dickish, it’s a good thing you didn’t hear Schumer completely roasting everyone else in the room earlier in the evening, and none of them slugged her in the face. 3. No one in the auditorium knew at first whether this was all a joke or not, and nor, it seemed, did Smith. I watched his reaction to Rock’s joke and at first he laughed. Then he saw how annoyed his wife was, then he realised the whole audience saw that because the camera was on her, then he got angry and got up to slap Rock. However anyone wants to spin it, he went on quite an emotional journey. 4. When Smith then claimed in his, um, let’s just call it his acceptance speech that he had been “protecting” his family, just as he “protected Aunjanue” Ellis during the making of King Richard, Ellis did not look best pleased. And who could blame her? 5. Judging by Smith’s general demeanour, I would say Geoffrey the butler needs to give him a good talking to. Lots to cogitate on, but not for the Oscars, which dealt with the incident in a single terse tweet, and not with any of the celebrities at the event. Usually at the Governors Ball, directly after the ceremony, the celebrities are happy to talk about anything. But for the first time in my decade of covering the Oscars, not only would they not talk about anything, but many brought their PRs with them as protection. Any journalist who dared to get too close to Oscar winners Billie Eilish and her brother Finneas was quickly shooed away by an anxious PR, and same for Francis Ford Coppola. Steven Spielberg was happy to pose for selfies with everyone and their mother, but when I asked if he had enjoyed the evening, he replied, very politely, that he wouldn’t be answering questions. Happily, you can always rely on a Canadian to laugh at the ridiculous Americans, and Denis Villeneuve did not disappoint. I asked what he made of the evening. “It was unpredictable,” he laughed. “Although last time I was here was when they mixed up the envelopes with Moonlight and La La Land, so my wife and I were like: ‘What happens when we come to the Oscars? Is it us?’” I tried to ask Jane Campion what she made of the evening, but at that point the DJ started playing Satisfaction by the Rolling Stones and she, Benedict Cumberbatch and Kodi Smit-McPhee broke into some extremely enthusiastic dancing, and I worried she might clobber me with her Oscar. So I headed over to the Vanity Fair party, thinking maybe people would be sufficiently relaxed (drunk) there to talk. But no. The first people I saw were the Williams sisters, who are far too godlike to approach. So instead I went up to Mr Serena, AKA Alexis Ohanian, the co-founder of Reddit. What Reddit threads was he expecting to see on tonight’s awards? “Ummm, I didn’t know they let press in here?” he said with faux-but-actually-a-bit-genuine nervousness, while looking around for security. Only the best press are let in, Alexis. So what did he think of the ceremony? “Look, I’m just a plus-one here. I’ll just say I’m very happy for the family and that’s it,” he said. The whole party was a heaving mass of suppressed hysteria. In one corner, James Corden chatted intensely with Adrien Brody and Georgina Chapman, AKA Harvey Weinstein’s ex-wife; in another, Kourtney Kardashian stalked past Trevor Noah. It was hellish and hyper-real, and everyone seemed giddy and anxious at the same time, excited to be out, but not sure what was allowed. “This is the first time I’ve been out in two years – and without a mask! It feels naughty but nice,” said Michael B Jordan. So what did he make of the Oscars ceremony? “Oh, I’m not talking about that,” he said. Even Larry David – a man whose whole shtick is being rude about everything – declined to speak about the evening, as did Jake Gyllenhaal, Lady Gaga and Wanda Sykes. Maybe none of them could figure out what the right opinion is about Rock and Smith. After all, to have an opinion you need principles, and those aren’t included in the Oscars gift bag. Or maybe they just didn’t want to be bothered with boring questions on their first night out in two years. Just as I was about to give up and go home, I spotted Jesse Plemons, on whom I harbour a quiet and not entirely professional crush. So what did he make of the evening? He was sitting right behind Smith, wasn’t he? “Yeah, we were pretty close,” he said, referring to himself and his fiancee, fellow nominee Kirsten Dunst. “At first I thought it was a joke …” Me too, Jesse! “Then when Smith was shouting all those swearwords, I thought: ‘Oh, maybe they’ll bleep those out.’” That’s exactly what I thought! We have so much in common! “And then I realised it wasn’t a joke, and yeah, it was pretty weird. But you know, all this,” he said, gesturing around the party, “is pretty strange, and everyone’s feeling so riled up and strange, and everything’s kinda nuts. So maybe it kinda made sense, you know?” Oh, Jesse Plemons. So lovely and wise. So maybe that’s the right opinion: it’s a weird time so it was a weird Oscars. That seemed like a nice gentle take to end the evening on. But just as I was leaving, I spotted Sean Combs. He always struck me as a man with little fear of expressing an opinion, so I asked him what he made of Smith whacking Rock. “Best Oscars ever. Ever!” he shouted, walking off. Then came back, looked me square in the eye and said: “Best. Oscars. Ever.”