Name: The Scottish kilt shortage. Age: Current. Appearance: A bunch of Scottish men naked from the waist down, I guess. Those poor Scots! What next? A haggis famine? An Irn-Bru drought? Listen, we’re talking about an economic crisis here. Now sit up straight and pay attention. Sorry. Why is there a kilt shortage? Too many people are getting married. Oh right. For the past two years, Covid has meant that people have kept postponing their weddings. And now the gates have been reopened, demand for wedding kilts has rapidly outstripped supply. Aren’t most wedding kilts hired? Yes, but they have to be returned, washed and re-racked before the next person can wear them. And people are in such a hurry to get married that they’re just getting married whenever now. Weekdays, evenings, the lot. It’s a frenzy. An unprecedented kilt frenzy. Why is this just affecting kilts? Oh, my poor sweet summer child, it isn’t. The wedding glut also means that there’s a hen party glut. This sounds bad. It got so frantic that, last month, the owner of one hen party hire firm went to the national press to bemoan a lack of naked butlers to pour the hens their drinks, wailing: “There simply aren’t enough blokes to go around.” And don’t get me started on willy straws – they’re also running out fast. Better not get married soon, then. Oh, this goes far beyond wedding paraphernalia. Oh God, what else is running out? The lack of a post-Brexit trade agreement with Greenland has meant that there’s likely to be a prawn shortage for Christmas, which means no prawn cocktails. That doesn’t seem like such a big deal. And a poor spring chilli harvest in Mexico means that we can probably expect sriracha supplies to dry up soon. That’s fine. I can always nip across to France and stock up on mustard instead. Looks like someone hasn’t heard about the ongoing French mustard shortage. Is that all? If only. In recent days, we’ve been warned about an incoming dairy shortage, a global chickpea shortage and, thanks to the recent surge of illness, a limit on tissue purchases. This is all so grim. Are you suggesting I go out straight away and panic buy tissues, milk, chickpeas, mustard, hot sauce and prawns? No, that would be deeply irresponsible of me. Phew. I do need a job lot of willy straws, though. Do say: “Scotland is suffering through an incredible kilt shortage.” Don’t say: “Just wait until they find out about trousers.”