It’s Christmas Eve. You’re lying on the sofa, having finally clocked off until January, the wrappers of a now-empty box of Roses littered around you. Your partner comes in. By the way, she says, she’s invited people over. Some friends of hers. Also, your neighbours on both sides. Her sister might drop in too. She forgot to tell you. That’s fine, right? This is absolutely classic her, but there isn’t time to fight about that now. You both look around at your home. It’s not looking fine. You’ve hardly decorated because you’ve been so busy and you’re off to the in-laws for the big day tomorrow anyway. You are so, so tired. You’ve got no food in. The supermarket will be rammed. So now what? All is not lost. Just follow our tips, gathered from hosting and food experts, as well as dubious corners of the internet, for how to wow your guests in these nightmarish circumstances. Or at least make sure they don’t go home saying: “God, that was all a bit weird, wasn’t it?” Home Grab some greenery Your house looks about as festive as a building site. Do as much superficial tidying as you can bear, and then get to work. Let’s start with table-scaping. One option, depending on the shape of your table (do not do this if it’s circular – it will destroy you) is to use any leftover wrapping paper as a tablecloth. Fan Winston, editor of lifestyle website Remodelista, has another idea: “A sprig of berries or a beautiful leaf placed on top of a plate or napkin can elevate a place setting. Fallen evergreen branches can be used to dress up a fireplace mantel.” So, perhaps you have a neighbour you don’t like very much, perhaps with some nice topiary out the front of their house. ’Tis the season to go round there with a pair of scissors and “borrow” some bits of greenery. Sharing is the true spirit of Christmas, after all. Decorate in five minutes Been sent some Christmas cards? Set aside your crushing guilt about the fact that you didn’t get round to sending any yourself and make some Christmas bunting from them, says interior designer Vanessa Arbuthnott. String, or ribbon if you have it, and a stapler are all you need to get this up in a matter of minutes. Elsewhere, stuff a string of Christmas lights in a mason jar. Make garlands by threading popcorn with cranberries or another firm berry – take a needle, some thread, and alternate popcorn with berry. My mum made us do this one year and my siblings and I wrecked our fingertips, but I’m sure you can spin a little stigmata into something festive. It is all about the birth of Jesus, lest we forget. Get really, really creative You can apparently make a wreath out of cookie cutters. Arrange them into a ring and tie them together with string, perhaps even floss. Listen: this is not going to look great. But you’re not looking for great, you’re looking for passable. There are about 12 different ways to make fake snow for windowsills using baking soda and lotion/shaving cream/water. Can I recommend you do this? I don’t know. But the information is out there. As a general rule, and not just one for Christmas, stay away from 5 Minute Crafts videos on YouTube. You want to look resourceful but not mad. Food Raid the corner shop Now, unfortunately, you are going to have to feed these people something festive. I asked Jonathan Nunn, editor of the food newsletter Vittles, what he would do in this predicament. He recommends serving hot canapes of all the frozen produce you’ve ever been half-tempted to buy in the corner shop – a kind of “Birds Eye potpourri”. “Strange fish finger variants,” he suggests, “unidentified dumplings, or Balkan sausage specialities – there’s bound to be one good thing in there and everyone will remember that it was you who brought it into their lives.” Crack open the eggs The above tip assumes that the corner shop is open, though. Let’s say it isn’t, or is too far away. Rebecca May Johnson, author of Small Fires: An Epic in the Kitchen, says that eggs and mayonnaise are your friends. “Some of my favourite party snacks and canapes involve eggs. Hard-boiled eggs, cut in half, with half a teaspoon of good-quality mayonnaise and a sprinkle of paprika, curry powder, or chives on top. If you have them, an anchovy laid over mayonnaise – delicious!” Pimp your nuts Maybe you have a bag of nuts at the back of the cupboard. These are good for four to six months, but if they’re older I say go for it anyway, as long as they don’t taste overtly rancid. Needs must! Take maple syrup or honey, some butter, maybe a little chilli or cayenne pepper or garam masala, rosemary if you have it, mix it all together, coat the nuts – and bang them in the oven for 20 minutes. If they don’t taste great, head your guests off at the pass by saying it’s your beloved grandmother’s recipe. Rummage in the cupboard Angela Hui, author of the recent memoir Takeaway, says that if she has last-minute guests, she makes a big communal hotpot. “I always have at least five different kinds of instant ramen and noodles, tins of spam or tuna, eggs, a jar of anchovies and some sad, wilted-looking spring onions or pak choi,” she said. “Or you could easily make a tuna pasta bake or spaghetti with garlic and olive oil.” It’s also worth noting that Chinese takeaways are often open on Christmas Eve. You could order a load of stuff from the starters menu. Drink Pour a lot of alcohol It’s time for emergency cocktails: needless to say, you should be raiding the backs of cupboards for anything with alcohol in it. Put more or less any beverage in a nice glass and you’re away. Try tinned tomatoes, blended and strained as a substitute for tomato juice in bloody marys. Make “martinis” out of more or less any two spirits mixed together: if you add enough pickle juice or olive brine, your guests won’t be able to tell whether you’ve used the right ones. Salud! Let your guests do the work For people who don’t drink, Devin Shaffer at interior design company Decorilla recommends making some “visually zestful” water. “​​Lemon, basil, and (or) cucumber water is a perfect way to make guests feel welcomed.” Or there is a wild card option here: put the ball back in their court. “Should we bring anything?” they will ask. The answer is yes, but without specifying anything. “Surprise me!” is your reply. Then the generalised atmosphere of chaos/there not being quite enough of any of the right things is their fault. Ambience Disguise all your efforts Now you have the basics sorted, it’s time to turn your attention to the finishing touch: ambience. The aim here is to distract your guests from the dodgy catering and decorating you’ve done so far. Make the place smell like Christmas: put a pot of water on the stove, whack in cinnamon sticks, cloves, nutmeg, whatever Christmassy spices you have lying around, and boil it. Turn off as many lights as you can get away with and light candles. Tea lights always say “I tried”, and the lower the lighting, the better the rest of your haphazard decorations are going to look. For music, you can’t go wrong with the Charlie Brown Christmas song. There’s an eight-hour loop on YouTube. This has the advantage of lulling your guests into a sort of hypnotic state where they will be even less able to reflect honestly on the quality of your offerings. And finally, at all times, bear in mind that there is a bonus prize in this situation: if you do mess this up and the whole occasion is too slapdash and bizarre, you won’t have to host people again next year.