The three decades that Angela, 56, didn’t have a relationship with her brother were like a bereavement, she says. “You could say ‘at least they’re still alive’, but they’re not there, so it’s not really any different. The milestones you’re not sharing – when I met my husband, when I had my family …” She and her brother Robin, three years older, had been very close as children. It was when he got his first girlfriend, who mistakenly thought she had overheard Angela, who was then 17, making derogatory remarks about her, that their relationship blew up. When Robin married his girlfriend, he didn’t invite his sister to the wedding. They wouldn’t make up until more than 30 years later, when Angela was 53, and their mother suddenly became ill. Robin was brought into the family WhatsApp group, set up to discuss their mother’s care, but talk then turned to reminiscences and other news. “It opened up communication,” says Angela. They met up and now see each other every week, but they don’t talk about what happened. “It’s a new start,” says Angela. But he still feels like a stranger. Her brother is now in his late 50s, “and the person I knew was 20, and you miss so much. What I have to do now is work with what’s in front of me, with little glimpses of the boy that I knew.” Sibling conflict has been around for as long as humans have had siblings: Cain and Abel, Elizabeth I and Mary I, Noel and Liam Gallagher. The princes William and Harry are just the latest high-profile siblings to endure a shattered relationship, with Harry describing William as his “beloved brother and arch-nemesis”. In an interview with ITV on Sunday, to discuss the publication of his memoir, Spare, Harry said: “I would like to have my brother back.” For now, amid allegations of violence, criticism of William’s wife, Kate (issues with in-laws are a common cause of sibling estrangement), and the public airing of private conversations, that seems unlikely. But there are plenty of examples to show that it is possible. One German study last year suggested 28% of survey respondents experienced at least one period of sibling estrangement; 14% experienced multiple estrangements. “It’s common,” says Linda Blair, a clinical psychologist and author of Siblings. “I would urge people not to feel guilty if it happens, because it’s so easily triggered.” For most people, says Blair, it is the longest relationship many of us will ever have, “so expect rocky periods”. It changes over a lifetime too. Childhood scraps are normal, “because you’re both – or all three or four of you are – needy and fighting for attention. We tend to drift apart in adolescence unless we’re very close in age, in which case we might be competing – for friends, for partners, at school – and that would continue the possibility of falling out. Likewise in adulthood, we tend to be working hard to establish our family and careers, and may feel we’re drifting apart. It’s in late adulthood that siblings become really valuable.” Blair points to work by Victor Cicirelli, a US psychology professor who has studied adult sibling relationships, which found that in older age 83% felt close to their siblings (a higher proportion than younger people had reported). He also found that sister-sister siblings were most likely to remain close; brother-sisters next likely; and brother-brothers least likely. “It matters more and more as you get older,” says Blair. Although she adds that another common flashpoint between siblings is when a parent becomes ill or needs care. “There’s often great resentment over who cares for them and sometimes, sadly, over who gets what when they die.” There can also be longstanding issues for siblings to deal with, says Lucy Blake, a senior lecturer in psychology at the University of the West of England and the author of No Family is Perfect: A Guide to Embracing the Messy Reality. This could be favouritism, “whether that happened in childhood or continues on into adulthood, or abuse”. Assessing the impact of sibling estrangement is a small but growing area of research. “I’ve had people that have taken part in studies who have described it as being more painful than divorce and a significant life event. But I also hear from people for whom estrangement from a sibling isn’t a major factor in their lives, it’s more just how things are. “There’s lots of diversity in experiences. While we assume that sibling relationships are lifelong, it’s not necessarily true and sibling relationships aren’t necessarily active, significant or supportive.” But for many, estrangement can “be very painful”. It’s also surrounded by stigma, Blake adds, “and people don’t talk about it”. Gareth, 54, and his brother fell out in December 2003. He was hurt that his brother failed to call him on Christmas Day, but of course it wasn’t really about festive greetings, but something bigger – their father had died a few months previously and they were both dealing with grief. The 17 years of estrangement was hard, says Gareth, especially while his children were growing up. “He missed out on everything. You can show somebody a video on your phone or a photograph, but he didn’t really experience it.” They had spoken briefly and tersely a couple of years after the initial conflict, but it wasn’t until 2020 that they finally reconnected when another family member was getting married. Gareth rang him. “He answered, and it was like nothing had happened,” he says. “I just said: ‘A lot of water’s gone under the bridge, I’m sorry if I was out of order.’” His brother shrugged it off, and they arranged to meet up in a pub. When they did, they gave each other a big hug. “There was no tension. We sat and talked.” They both apologised, but haven’t mentioned the fallout again. “A line was drawn underneath it and we managed to get back to how things were,” says Gareth. Blair describes making up with an estranged sibling as “one of the thinnest pieces of ice you’ll ever walk on”, thanks to so much loaded history and emotion, much of which you are probably both unconscious. To start the process, she advises continuing “to offer olive branches that do not require a response. You do not refer to why you fell out and you do not try to grovel or blame – don’t refer to it at all.” Wait for an opportunity – it could be anything from a birthday to an occasion that means something to you both, especially if it is associated with good memories. Blair advises sending a card or note, rather than a text or email which are “less powerful. Say something like: ‘This made me think about you and how much fun we had together.’” It should be enough to nudge them, and by focusing on the positives, make it clear you want to repair the relationship. If you don’t hear from them, do it again and again. It might take years of occasional olive branches, says Blair. “You don’t have to do it very often but you can then know that you did everything you could.” (To be clear, this is where you have a relationship that would benefit both of you if it were rebuilt; there are situations, particularly where there has been abuse by a sibling, where the estrangement is permanent, chosen and healthy.) If you do end up speaking, should you talk about what happened between you? “No,” says Blair. She advises positive or neutral comments such as: “How great to see you.” Silences, especially companionable ones, are not to be feared. “A kindly silence allows them to say what they want to say. They might apologise and if they do, you can say: ‘It is never one person’s fault and I would like to say sorry too’ – but don’t bring it up yourself.” What if you feel they are waiting for you to apologise? Blair recommends saying something like: “Is there something I’m not saying that you want me to, or you are thinking about? I won’t mind.” It is up to individuals to gauge when the moment is right, she adds. “The problem is if you push it, they might run. Especially if you’re the older sibling, because the younger one might think: ‘There they are, bossing me around again. I shouldn’t have come.’” If you are considering reconnecting with a sibling, Josh Smith, a family therapist with Relate, says be prepared for your brother or sister not to be ready, but that may change. “Just because your sibling doesn’t want to be close now, it doesn’t mean they won’t want that in the future.” If you are back in touch, and the relationship is tentatively growing, Smith suggests making an effort to spend time together to move the relationship forward and avoid slipping into old patterns. He recommends actively noticing things you like about your sibling, and sharing them. “When you are dealing with the past, things can get very problem-saturated. If we can notice the things that we like about our sibling and say those to them, that can be quite helpful.” Does he think you should talk about the reasons for the estrangement? “Even within therapy, there are different ideas about that. Some therapists like to excavate the past, others work in the here and now. I would say, broadly, sticking in the present could be helpful. The difficulty is if you go into the past, there’s a lot of ammunition to throw at the other person. We can’t change the past, we can only change the present.” In some cases, sibling conflict isn’t a result of something going wrong in the family, but is purely a case of personality mismatch, or insurmountable political or value differences. But it “rarely happens in isolation”, says Smith. There are usually other dynamics at play, often involving parents (even the motivation to get back in touch might be at a parent’s request, perhaps to assuage their own feelings of guilt, rather than a genuine wish to reconnect). For this reason, you might need to bring your parents in too, if possible, and a family therapist might be helpful to moderate a conversation. Jenny, 47, and her two brothers were brought up by their father, who could be violent; although she came to terms with their childhood, it was her brother who experienced the worst of it. He and Jenny were estranged for 20 years. She says she tried many times to reconnect, but he didn’t want to while she was still in touch with their father. It wasn’t until their father died last year that he came back to her. “It was too painful for my brother,” she says. It has been extremely difficult, but she is grateful they have had the chance to reconcile. “My message is always to keep trying, and cherish what you’ve got.” Lena recognised the role that her parents, and particularly her mother, had played in her 10-year estrangement from her sister. “I told my parents: ‘Do not include me in your drama, I’m having a relationship with my sister.’ My mum stirred up lots of things she shouldn’t and, as a mum myself, I don’t get why she did that.” Lena’s sister, Zofia, took it badly when Lena decided to leave Poland and move to the UK. Lena soon met a man and became pregnant; he was abusive and isolated her further from her family. Looking back, she thinks her sister realised, but for whatever reason they couldn’t reconnect. It could have been Zofia’s own feelings of rejection following her sister’s emigration, as well as their personality conflicts – Lena says her sister is strong and opinionated. Being 10 years younger, Lena often felt controlled by Zofia, even if her elder sister had good intentions. It wasn’t until 2019, when Lena had a crisis, that she immediately turned to Zofia, despite not having spoken to her for years. “I said: ‘I don’t want you to tell me anything, just listen.’ She did, and I told her everything that had been happening. From that moment she became my support. Even though we were miles away, she started calling me.” They met in person the following year. “It was amazing,” Lena says. Last year, two years on from the initial reconciliation, it felt like the right time to have a difficult conversation about what had happened. “We both agreed that things needed to be said and put to rest, to be able to move on.” Old wounds were not reopened. “We talked through it,” she says. Lena’s advice to other warring siblings is not to take so long to reconcile. “Don’t be afraid to make the first move. We caused ourselves hurt by not speaking to each other.” She remembers Zofia saying they would never be able to return to the relationship that “normal” sisters have, but Lena disagrees. “I have my big sister back.”