Name: Loud quitting. Age: Relatively new. Appearance: The greatest spectacle in the modern working world. Oh God, I’ve only just got the hang of quiet quitting. Relax. They’re different things entirely. “Quiet quitting” wasn’t even quitting, really, was it? Wasn’t it? No, it just meant sticking to your minimum job requirements. Turning up on time, leaving on time, no emails at the weekend. It was basically what having a job used to be like before the world went to hell. So what is loud quitting? It is the latest employment buzzword and it means – get this – quitting loudly. “SCREW YOU GUYS, I’M OUTTA HERE!” Not quite. You see, you don’t loud quit because you want to leave your job. You loud quit because you want to keep your job. What? Think of it as a negotiation tactic. You express your displeasure for your situation by telling your bosses that you’re looking for another job. They respond by panicking and offering you all the riches in the world to stay. Really? Does that work? Sometimes. Sometimes?! So there’s a risk that your superiors will see you throw your toys out of the pram and then just let you go? Well, yes, obviously. Who wants a great big tantrummy toddler in their workforce? I’m so confused. That’s because loud quitting is an art. You don’t just strop into the office and scream that you’ve had enough. That’s what Larry David did at Saturday Night Live. Then, having had second thoughts, he had to worm back in the next day like nothing had happened. So you don’t actually apply to other jobs? No, that’s more like “rage-applying”, where you hate your job so much that you apply for everything going and then take the plunge when an offer comes in. Right. So how do you loud quit? You sow the seeds of your dissatisfaction, reminding your bosses of all your achievements and hinting that you could do the same job for better money elsewhere. Because, if you’re good, they’ll want to keep you. Absolutely. You’re the best employee they have. They’d be fools to lose you to a competitor. I can see one big flaw in this. What if you aren’t the best employee they have? Yeah. Then you’re screwed. Same if you push for too great a raise in your loud-quitting negotiations and your bosses can’t afford to pay you extra. Or if you just don’t get on with people very well. Wow, loud quitting sounds like an incredibly high-risk strategy. It is, especially during a cost of living crisis. But remember: only winners take risks. Winners and very stupid people. Do say: “Have you seen those vacancies at Credit Suisse? Wouldn’t mind doubling my salary …” Don’t say: “Not really, please don’t let me go, I need this.”