Name: Cargo pants. Age: 85 years old. Appearance: Solid, dependable, utilitarian, ugly. What are these “cargo pants” of which you speak? They are only the world’s most perfect trousers. Weren’t you alive during the brief Y2K cargo pants renaissance? No. Then allow me to fill you in. Cargo pants – or combat trousers as they are also known – are basically trousers with extra pockets halfway down the legs. Originally intended for military use, they gained popularity two decades ago as a mystical third way for the trouser-wearing community. What are you talking about? Imagine, if you will, trousers that straddled the divide between all forms of previously available trousers. Less formal than chinos. More formal than joggers. Trousers that finally liberated humanity from the tyranny of jeans. God, they were perfect. Wait, didn’t we just describe them as ugly? Oh God, yes, they were ugly. Incredibly ugly. Especially if you used the leg pockets. Sounds like it’s a good thing they are out of fashion, then. Well, about that. They are back in a big way. Oh dear. Vogue says so and everything. Cargo pants are apparently a spring/summer 2023 catwalk staple. They are both “the one style to nab right now”, and “a surefire winner”. Hang on, this sounds familiar. Have cargo pants been back before? Yes, cargo pants were also back in 2022, 2021, 2020, 2019 and 2018. Why didn’t they stick before? Because cargo pants are ugly. So why will they stick now? Because Vogue says they’re cool. And also because designers seem to have all lost their senses at once. They are flinging superfluous cargo pockets on to everything. Bags, coats, jumpers, skirts, you name it. That does sound extremely practical. Maybe I’ll start wearing cargo pants. Eurgh! I knew this would happen. What’s the problem? I started wearing cargo pants because I am bland and anonymous and simply appreciate the utility offered by the extra pockets. Right … And now I’m going to be pestered on the street by all sorts of unwanted fashionistas. They’re going to photograph me for their street fashion Instagram accounts. Oh, no. They’re going to ask me if I’m wearing the new £725 Wardrobe.NYC cotton cargo pants they’ve seen in magazines. Just tell them you got them from Millets. That they cost 20 quid. No. This is my life now. If I want to look bland and anonymous, I’ll have to start wearing other trousers that were once fashionable but now just look stupid. No, don’t say it, please! That’s right, I am sorry to say that I will now be entering my skinny jean phase. May God have mercy on my soul. Do say: “Cargo pants are back!” Don’t say: “Cargo shorts next, please!”