Name: Horny Britain. Age: Continuously inhabited for about 12,000 years. Appearance: You can conjure your own mental image for this one. Please, I’ve just eaten. Too bad, buddy. I am here with one piece of very important news that everyone needs to know. That’s right, Britain is horny. I hesitate to ask, but how horny are we talking here? Really horny. Hornier than you could possibly imagine. Rutting. Humping. Basically, just exactly what you’d see in a nature documentary, but with people from Basildon instead of wild animals. Please stop. I can’t. It’s a quantifiable fact. Lovehoney, a sex toy company, just did a survey of 22,000 people from 15 countries across the world, asking them to rate their sex drive out of 10. And guess what the results said? I don’t know, that Britain is horny? So horny. The fourth horniest country in the whole of Europe, in fact. Our national average sex drive is 6.22 out of 10. Wait, we’re only fourth? Which country is the most horny in Europe? Italy, of course! Italy scored 6.93, Spain scored 6.91, France scored 6.24, and then it’s us. And which countries ranked lower than Britain? Germany scored 6.09, Switzerland scored 5.87 and Austria scored 5.56. Why do you ask? Oh, no reason. It’s not like I’m going to immediately apply for residency there or anything. Listen, don’t be such a prude. This survey is great news. It is? Yes! You know how there’s a trend of young people not having much sex any more, maybe because Covid disrupted the shaping of their attitudes, or maybe because they’re too distracted by other devices, or maybe because of slow generational change? Yes. Well, not here, baby. Britain is almost single-handedly bucking the trend. While globally there seems to be a downturn in sex drive among Gen Z, in this country they’re hornier than anyone else. Their sex drive, according to the survey, is a whopping 6.96. My God. I know. It means that young British people are hornier than the average Italian person. This is unprecedented. Did the survey teach us anything else? It did. It taught us that over-65s have a sub-Austrian sex drive of 5.16, and that men are on average 12% hornier than women. You know, none of this seems particularly British. Well, I could tell you about another recent survey by Durex, that revealed men orgasm four times as often as women, and that 11% of women were disappointed about this but had “got used to it”. There we go. Repressed misery. This is the Britain I love. You have a real problem, you know. Do say: “British people are all very horny.” Don’t say: “Even your mum and dad.”