Name: Secret signals. Age: Ancient. Appearance: A beaver emoji followed by an aubergine emoji. I don’t get it. Yes, you do. If somebody sent you an emoji of a beaver followed by an emoji of an aubergine, what do you think it might mean? Wait … I’ve got it. Took you a while, but well done. It means: “We need to buy more aubergines.” No, not at all. It’s a sex thing. Oh! Well, who would send such filth? Former professional footballer Peter Crouch, that’s who. His wife Abbey Clancy went on a podcast and explained that this is his secret method of seduction. OK, not sure we needed to know that. Does it work? Unsure. As Clancy explained: “How vile is that? Am I supposed to go: ‘Oh yeah, now I’m bang up for it’?” So why does he send them? Because it’s a secret signal, that’s why. They’re what you do if you want to communicate something to your other half, but you don’t want anyone else to know. Most couples have them in one form or another. Like if you want to leave a party? Exactly. Some people will yawn at their spouse, or kick them under the table, or dart their eyes towards the door, or pull their own ear. Are there other types of secret signal? Oh, hundreds. Some couples have a special “Not in front of people” stare that they deploy when their loved one is about to tell an embarrassing anecdote, or a “code red” look when something urgently needs to be discussed in private. And this isn’t just reserved for couples, either. It isn’t? Anyone with any passing interest in I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here will know that contestants often adopt strange little tics with their hands and faces, in a bid to remind their loved ones that they’re thinking of them. Fiendish. Of course, the master of this was the late Queen Elizabeth. Her staff claimed that you could always tell when she needed to be rescued from a boring conversation, because she would subtly shift her handbag from one hand to the next. As soon as she did this, someone would rush in and politely bustle her away. What a strange and complex subject this is. Steady on a minute. When Peter Crouch is horny, he literally sends his wife the closest thing he can find to a picture of a penis. It’s hardly cracking the Enigma machine, is it? Do say: “Peter Crouch’s secret sex signal is an aubergine emoji.” Don’t say: “Nothing says ‘secret’ like announcing it on a podcast.”