The dilemma My wife and I have been together for 15 years and we have two primary school-age children. From the outside, it looks as if we have an idyllic life. The children are happy, we have adventures, we don’t worry about money and we have good jobs. Behind closed doors it is a different story. We argue about everything, including the children. When we were younger, I used to feel our differences were what made us work, but the older we’ve got, the trickier they have become. Our relationship is now volatile and although I’ve repeatedly requested that we see a couples counsellor, she dismisses this. I’ve had a lot of individual therapy that has really helped me. She won’t consider doing counselling alone either. My wife has a great job, but isn’t happy with her career because it isn’t her passion, which is something she has yet to find. Her cup is always half empty. We’ve both said that if it weren’t for the children, we would have separated. Then we start arguing about how we would work out custody of the kids. After these conversations, there is always a reset and it’s as if it never happened. We revert to playing happy families until the next time. We’re stuck in this rut. I don’t want to end our marriage. My father moved out when I was young and I’ve always said I would never do that to my children. This is what keeps me going, together with the memories of us in the early days and the life I believe we could have. Philippa’s answer: Desire is fed by difference. We see someone who feels “other” to us, with a different outlook and ways of being and thinking, and they seem novel, refreshing and mysterious. This is sexy. I expect it made the start of your relationship exciting for both of you. The problem is, within a working partnership we want to be on the same page. Psychotherapist Esther Perel says, “Love enjoys knowing everything about you; desire needs mystery.” Is the problem how to cope with such two opposing forces? At one time you loved the differences between you and now you are tired of them. I’m going to speculate. This may resonate, or it may not. I’m guessing that your wife is unhappy and, in her mind, the reason for that unhappiness is always external to her. It’s her job, or it’s you, it’s never her own demons coming back to bite her. But I’d say that her default mood, shaped in her own childhood, is dissatisfaction. The dilemma My wife and I have been together for 15 years and we have two primary school-age children. From the outside, it looks as if we have an idyllic life. The children are happy, we have adventures, we don’t worry about money and we have good jobs. Behind closed doors it is a different story. We argue about everything, including the children. When we were younger, I used to feel our differences were what made us work, but the older we’ve got, the trickier they have become. Our relationship is now volatile and although I’ve repeatedly requested that we see a couples counsellor, she dismisses this. I’ve had a lot of individual therapy that has really helped me. She won’t consider doing counselling alone either. My wife has a great job, but isn’t happy with her career because it isn’t her passion, which is something she has yet to find. Her cup is always half empty. We’ve both said that if it weren’t for the children, we would have separated. Then we start arguing about how we would work out custody of the kids. After these conversations, there is always a reset and it’s as if it never happened. We revert to playing happy families until the next time. We’re stuck in this rut. I don’t want to end our marriage. My father moved out when I was young and I’ve always said I would never do that to my children. This is what keeps me going, together with the memories of us in the early days and the life I believe we could have. Philippa’s answer: Desire is fed by difference. We see someone who feels “other” to us, with a different outlook and ways of being and thinking, and they seem novel, refreshing and mysterious. This is sexy. I expect it made the start of your relationship exciting for both of you. The problem is, within a working partnership we want to be on the same page. Psychotherapist Esther Perel says, “Love enjoys knowing everything about you; desire needs mystery.” Is the problem how to cope with such two opposing forces? At one time you loved the differences between you and now you are tired of them. I’m going to speculate. This may resonate, or it may not. I’m guessing that your wife is unhappy and, in her mind, the reason for that unhappiness is always external to her. It’s her job, or it’s you, it’s never her own demons coming back to bite her. But I’d say that her default mood, shaped in her own childhood, is dissatisfaction.