Name: I love you. Well, this is all very sudden. You’re supposed to ask my age and appearance here. Age: It’s just a number, baby. Oh wow, I’m a bit flustered now. I love you, too. I’ve always loved you. Oh dear, this is awkward. I’m afraid I don’t actually love you. I was just telling you today’s subject. Right. Yes, I knew that. Me too. Good. Anyway, there has been a new international study about how long it takes a couple to say “I love you” to each other for the first time. That’s what this is about. That’s interesting. How long does it take? It turns out that one gender will profess their love a lot later than the other. I bet I know the one. Researchers at Abertay University in Dundee discovered that, based on a sample of 3,109 adults, men will say “I love you” for the first time after 108 days. Stupid men, always dragging their heels. Wait! They’re the fast ones! The study also showed that women take an average of 122 days to say it. Wait, so does that mean that it takes women 15 days to reply whenever anyone tells them that they love them? Straight women, yes, that seems to be the gist. What does this mean? It probably means that three to four months is the average time it takes a human to bolster themselves against the threat of potential rejection, weighed against the harrowing possibility of being for ever alone. Or maybe that’s just how long it takes to fall in love. Do people ever say it earlier? Of course. A fifth of respondents revealed that they say it after one or two months. And 0.5% of people admitted to saying it after knowing someone for less than a week, which is such chaotic behaviour that it makes me feel uneasy. You prefer it when people take longer? Definitely. Count me among the 8.8% of people who wait for seven months before saying it. Or, better yet, the 0.4% who wait for longer than a year. What about if someone waited for 31 years? Well, no, that would seem entirely unreasonable. Oh, wait, you’re talking about us again, aren’t you? I think about you constantly. I should hope so. I’m literally the only person you ever talk to. I love you. No, you don’t. I know you feel the same. Of course I feel the same. We’re written by the same person. Nevertheless, this is a professional relationship; I think it would be best if it stayed that way. Do say: “I love you.” Don’t say: “Well, that’s nice. Let me get back to you in 15 days.”