Name: Coffee drinkers. Age: About 600 years old. Appearance: That depends. On what? On how they like their coffee. But I like my coffee how I like my men. Weak and grey? Tepid, too. But tell me more. I thought you’d never ask. Dunkin’ Donuts has carried out a survey in which people had to attribute personality traits to themselves, with their answers cross-referenced against their preferred type of coffee. So now we can accurately judge people based on the drink they like? That’s right. This is science at the highest level. Well, I’ve always enjoyed a nice latte. Really? Why? Is that the wrong answer? I can change it. Let me change it! No, the survey revealed that 26% of latte drinkers describe themselves as people pleasers, so it sounds like you’re right on the money. The survey is on to something! Seriously. It also reveals that cappuccino drinkers are most satisfied by life, that americano drinkers are comfortable in their own skin and those who drink non-dairy coffee are … I know! Introverted moralisers! Bingo! And if you ever see anyone drink an espresso, they probably went to university. Because it takes a lot of intellectual discipline to convince yourself that you like an objectively disgusting drink? Let’s say yes. People who drink double espressos, meanwhile, are well read and well travelled. Those who like flat whites are honest and trustworthy. That sounds a lot like code for “I don’t really have a personality, but thanks for asking”. True. Now, what about people who drink mochas? Babies. Stupid adult babies. No, they’re actually very sexy. No, they’re not. They’re weird, grownup babies who put chocolate in their coffee because their poor little tummies don’t like the taste. According to the survey, no. A fifth of mocha drinkers described themselves as sexy. Someone should probably do a follow-up survey to learn about the multiple personality flaws found in anyone who sees a list of potential attributes and picks “sexy” for themselves. They’re probably good in bed as well. No. People who drink iced coffee are good in bed. Plus, they love to party. Nobody else does. Do not doubt the survey. We haven’t mentioned people who dump flavoured syrup into their drink. Oh, right. According to the survey, they identify as funny and happy. I don’t drink flavoured coffee. It shows. But isn’t this interesting? It demonstrates that we’re all possessed by an innate desire to tell the world who we are. Even something as innocuous as our choice of coffee sends out a signal about ourselves. It’s proof that we’re all individual and diverse and that no single trait can unite all the coffee drinkers in the world. Bad breath? Oh fine, yes, we’ve all got really bad breath. Do say: “I’ll take a mocha, please.” Don’t say: “Hold the self-awareness.”