Name: Workplace icks. Age: As old as the office. Appearance: All new for 2023. Icks? What do icks look like? They look like colleagues – colleagues doing terrible things. What sort of things? Vaping indoors. That’s No 2 in this year’s list of the biggest workplace icks, according to a survey of 3,500 people by Digital ID. Vaping indoors is not allowed. What’s No 1? Making TikTok videos in the office. What if your company produces TikTok videos? This would be more like someone filming a dance challenge or lip-sync battle between the desks. What kind of employee would do that? I don’t conduct these surveys, I just report on them. Any others? No 3 is people who go on and on about their exercise routine, particularly if that routine involves cold-water swimming. These are very modern complaints, if you don’t mind me saying. True – they’ve replaced more traditional workplace icks, including cooking fish in the office microwave, scheduling Friday afternoon meetings and sending overlong emails. What about people who use the word “ick” to describe a feeling of personal revulsion when they’re over the age of four? Are we allowed to complain about them? I’m going to report you to HR. Anyway, not liking meetings shouldn’t even qualify as an ick. Technically, it’s more of a gripe. I don’t know what that word means. You know, a pet peeve. Are you OK? Would you at least agree that a lot of this new-style office friction is essentially inter-generational? Do you mean it is caused by older people not keeping up with the way modern workplaces do business? No, I meant it is caused by self-absorbed Zoomers having almost no social skills. Wow. I hope I don’t get you for secret Santa this year. I mean, younger colleagues complain just because I sometimes hum to myself while I’m waiting for Zoom meetings to start. Ick. I can’t help it; I find the technology daunting and stressful. But you know what helps? Don’t say it. Cold-water swimming. It really centres me. That’s great. I’m just going to go and vape on the roof now. We should have our next planning meeting in the pond behind my house! I quit. Do say: “Sharing an office environment requires both tolerance and the setting of clear boundaries – a delicate balancing act.” Don’t say: “Let’s put those petty workplace differences aside to focus on our shared objective: hating Colin.”