I have had little contact with either of my siblings, particularly my brother Jon, who is quite controlling and bullied me when I was a child. But after my mother’s death a few months ago (my father died many years earlier), I am having to deal with them, because we are all executors of my mother’s estate. Jon managed my mother’s finances for the last few years of her life and my sister and I independently suspected him of financial abuse. We have recently learned that Jon was managing my mother’s finances via a joint account, so legally Mum’s savings belong to him. There was no lasting power of attorney. My mum needed care and we suspect he fraudulently concealed her savings from the council by moving a large sum to his own account in order to gain free care for our mum. My mum’s will is held at a solicitors and Jon is reluctant to apply for probate, insisting that Mum’s house be put up for sale first. In a recent email he told us that the money that had been in my mum’s bank accounts wouldn’t be included in the probate application but that he might be willing to privately distribute it to us once estate administration has finished. We think this is to try to cover up the fraud relating to the care assessment. Jon is trying to hold us to ransom and this has brought back awful memories from my childhood. We don’t know what to do and worry that going to a solicitor for advice would cost too much. I’m sorry about your situation and my condolences. I went to Gary Rycroft, senior partner at Joseph A Jones & Co and a specialist in wills, to help with this. What your brother Jon is saying is factually incorrect in quite a few areas. Just because your brother has a joint account with your mum does not make the money his. The bank may have put it in his name if he’s told them your mum has died, but if the money was all from your mum, it is all part of her estate. “He may be the surviving account holder,” says Rycroft, “but that’s different from being the beneficial owner, so in a sense he’s a trustee of that money and holding it in trust for the estate.” He cannot sell your mum’s house without probate – this is the law – so this is your first port of call. I understand that you are nervous of legal fees but if it hasn’t been done already then you should write to the solicitor holding the will and explain that your mother has died, that you are one of three executors and this solicitor should handle everything. The solicitor will ask for various things including assets, savings, bank account details and you will need to get valuations for the house. You don’t have to use the solicitor holding the will but the point is that any fees for dealing with probate and your mum’s estate come out of the estate, which means that it will also impact on Jon. You don’t shoulder these costs alone. Once the Department for Work and Pensions knows your mum has died it may also look into any benefits paid (are they still being paid?). So no wonder Jon doesn’t want to apply for probate because this is where everything will come out in the wash. As Rycroft says, you don’t have to deal with Jon at all if you don’t want – the solicitor can do that. If Jon doesn’t agree, he can then instruct his own solicitor at his own cost to represent him. Rycroft also points out that “not providing full disclosure is unlawful”. If Jon asks you to do anything you are unhappy about, use this line and explain that you do not wish to get a criminal record. You aren’t on your own and you are entitled to a third of your mum’s estate. Keep records of all correspondence. Get a solicitor. Ignore what Jon says. Some details have been changed Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions. Comments on this piece are premoderated to ensure the discussion remains on the topics raised by the article. Please be aware that there may be a short delay in comments appearing on the site.