I was caught taking Viagra before having sex with my girlfriend and now she thinks I’m not attracted to her. She is also suspicious that I’ve needed Viagra the whole time I’ve been with her. As a result, she is now less engaged during sex and I’m lacking confidence. Many people need to be educated about their partner’s sexual response – and the best teacher is the beneficiary! Whatever your reasons for taking sildenafil, you could calmly and confidently say something like: “Sometimes my anxiety gets in the way so that my body/penis responds more slowly than my mental desire. My doctor offered me something to bridge the gap.” Or you could try: “A few years before I met you I started becoming anxious about my erectile functioning – to the point where I lost my sexual confidence. So my doctor prescribed something that can override that concern.” But it sounds as though your girlfriend needs reassurance, so let her know in a loving, detailed and authentic manner that you desire her. That should be the beginning of this important conversation you need to have. Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders. If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.