Name: The post-work pint. Age: Probably as old as work itself, but “Happy Hour” was a scheduled period of entertainment in the US navy during the first world war. Appearance: Increasingly rare. Ah, the post-work pint, when barriers drop and collars loosen. Lighthearted banter and letting off steam; a foaming pint of ale; packets of crisps split open and shared; memories made. That magical moment when colleagues become friends. This is making me thirsty. You sound like Nigel Farage. The post-work pint is dead. What? No! I’m afraid so: a new report from the Work Foundation, a Lancaster University thinktank, and the International Alliance for Responsible Drinking suggests after-work drinks are dying out. I bet their work-dos are absolute ragers. No one’s are these days: “In recent years there has been a shift in attitudes towards the appropriateness of centring workplace social activities outside working hours or around the consumption of alcohol,” the report says. But most of my formative professional experiences took place outside working hours and involved the consumption of alcohol! Times change. New research suggests no amount of drinking is healthy, plus with “four generations in the workplace together” now, we need to do things differently. I bet this is sober gen Z’s fault. They’ll have us celebrating good sales figures with a bubble tea, a vape and a TikTok dance soon. Market research does suggest gen Z are increasingly “opting instead for sober socialising”. But lots of people of all ages don’t drink, plus this shift is probably more about the remote work revolution, which is driving “a need for virtual celebrations”. Virtual celebrations: the worst of all celebrations. Work events don’t need to be virtual, but they should be inclusive. The report suggests describing them as “socialising” instead of “drinks” and organising stuff in the daytime rather than after work to include those with caring responsibilities. They also recommend employers introduce a workplace alcohol policy: four in five currently don’t have one. Boooring. You’re being very childish about this: what’s really going on? I feel like part of our intangible cultural heritage is disappearing. Today’s employees will never know the joy of going for “just one”, consuming 12 pints on an empty stomach at a busy intersection while inhaling car exhaust particulates, saying something you can’t take back to your line manager, losing your wallet, then waking up at the end of the train line at 1am with a chicken nugget stuck to your face. Do you realise what you’ve just described is absolutely horrible? Yes, I see that now. Change can be positive! Pour yourself a nice tomato juice and join us in the virtual escape room! Do say: “Please find attached a Teams link for the quarterly department social: a 45-minute gong-led mindfulness session, followed by a mapo tofu cookalong. BYO kombucha!” Don’t say: “See you down the Ferret and Final Written Warning in five; I plan to get absolutely rat-arsed.”