Jake, 43 We’ve been together for 14 years now and I think we’re just lucky that we both have high sex drives and are naturally sexually curious I’ve had a very diverse sex life, but I haven’t deliberately sought that out. I enjoy other people who are enjoying themselves, and I think that’s a core part of it – creating a safe space for my partner to explore their desires without fear of judgment. I don’t have specific tastes, beyond wanting to help my partner find things they enjoy. That means I’ve been open to experimenting with what people might consider fairly extreme sex. It has been – and it is with Annie too – a continuous learning process. One has to keep communicating, being sure both parties are comfortable and satisfied. When Annie and I got together she hadn’t done anything out of the ordinary. But gradually we started talking about fantasies – we’d go on long walks together and talk about almost anything, and from there she’d share more about her fetishes. We rarely have spontaneous quickies now, just because of all of the paraphernalia involved She’s very successful professionally, and it turned out that she enjoyed playing a role where she no longer had any control, so that’s where we brought in restraint play and things like Japanese bondage ropes. It all comes from a place of just being able to find somewhere to step outside her responsibilities. She says it’s her only way of truly relaxing. We’ve been together for 14 years now and I think we’re just lucky that we both have high sex drives and are naturally sexually curious. Of course, it’s not one continuous fuck fest. There are times when I’m really stressed out to the point where my libido is nonexistent. There might also be a few months where we’ll have sex just once a week and it’s more tender. We rarely have spontaneous quickies now, just because of all of the paraphernalia involved. We have a trunk that includes all the restraint gear and clothing, all the different sex toys. It is mind-bogglingly heavy – and we’ve paid an arm and a leg for the stuff in there. When we plan to have sex, we’ll get that down and talk about what we will use. A session like that would normally last 30 to 45 minutes. It’s such an important part of our relationship because it’s a place where we communicate, and in a strange way, it can be the space where we’re most comfortable being completely candid with one another. Annie, 38 Jake doesn’t have particularly strong sexual preferences himself as he’s driven by his partner’s pleasure Jake is a lot taller than me so when we first met we both wondered how things were going to work in the bedroom. But, after the first time together, I thought: oh my God! I’d always known that I liked sex, but I didn’t realise just how much I liked it. Jake has had multiple sexual partners, some of whom had very strong preferences. He came to our relationship really experienced and open-minded. He doesn’t have particularly strong sexual preferences himself as he’s driven by his partner’s pleasure. He’ll go with whatever I feel like doing. In the early days he would encourage me to tell him what I wanted, but I didn’t really have the lexicon for it and I felt a bit awkward about using certain words. I would start by taking fantasies out of books such as The Sexual Life of Catherine M and we’d talk them through in the bedroom. We would do a bit of role play and dressing up. It felt like such a level of freedom. We have a suitcase that contains all our toys and bondage gear, and will select stuff from it to use in the bedroom About a year into our relationship we started buying toys and a little bit of bondage gear. We have a suitcase that contains all of the stuff, and if we’re going on holiday or we have a lazy afternoon, we’ll select stuff from the suitcase to use in the bedroom. It’s got better and better and it’s one of the ways we keep our relationship healthy. Also, I’ve realised sex is the most effective way for me to meditate. It’s my way of destressing. It’s the feeling of being inside my body, as opposed to inside my head. I almost reached burnout in my last job. And during that time we had the most intense, what some people might call rough, sex. Effectively I was doing what I could to block out the world. It was the only thing that would make me stop worrying and feeling stressed. We don’t always have sex like this. The more experimental stuff takes a bit of planning. Otherwise, we have sex two to three times a week, and probably only one of those is using our tools from the box.