Name: Cows. Age: As old as the hills. Which is where they are commonly to be found? Also in fields, sheds, the Yorkshire dales. Sometimes on television; we’ll come to that. We are talking about the large domesticated ungulate, Bos taurus, right? Big creature, horns sometimes, four stomachs? Four stomachs is debatable, but yes, that’s the one. Subfamily bovinae – sacred to some, tea for others, cud chewer, milk producer, lunar hurdler in weird English nursery rhyme. And we are talking about them because? This is where it gets really interesting. Remember All Creatures Great and Small? Naturally – 80s BBC TV series, Yorkshire vet, generally with his arm up a cow from behind ... From 1978 to 1990, in fact, based on the books of an actual vet, Alf Wight, who wrote under the pseudonym James Herriot. Now there’s a remake, which starts next Tuesday. Channel 5? Yes, but this time Nicholas Ralph, who takes over from Christopher Timothy as Herriot, won’t be going shoulder-deep. Why ever not? Political correctness gone mad? New legislation. Last year, the law for animals in entertainment changed, to avoid unnecessary discomfort. “Procedure-wise, you can’t do anything to an animal that it doesn’t require, or you’re not trained to do,” Ralph told the Radio Times. And Channel 5 aren’t prepared to spend the money and wait five years to put Ralph through vet school? I think it’s more about animal welfare. But that’s what vets do, in the country, they put their arms up cows’ bums, in order to check up on – or to extract – the calves. I’ve seen it on TV. Don’t worry, you’ll see it again. Or you’ll think you will … Meaning? They filmed the calving scenes using a prosthetic substitute, an artificial cow’s rear. Fake moos! Inevitably (actually, I was expecting you to say All Creatures Fake and Small). And if you knew about these things, you would know the moo comes from the other end. It won’t look real, though. Well, wait, it just might. Ralph also revealed that the show’s producers swished the prosthetic cow’s tail by hand. “It was a masterclass in how to handle a fake back end,” he said. Nice job for the producers. OK, so what about the real bovine actors, put out of work by this plastic imposter? Most likely skipping around a lovely Yorkshire meadow, enjoying the clover, retirement and – most of all – not having untrained arms pushed up their backsides. Do say: “If having a soul means being able to feel love and loyalty and gratitude, then animals are better off than a lot of humans.” (James Herriot) Don’t say: “Pull the udder one.”