Name: Longevity vacations. Age: New, but I’ll be older, hopefully. When? When I die. Eh? It’ll become clear. Anyway, I’m going on holiday. Lovely. Club 18-30, is it? Actually, Club 18-30 no longer exists. In any case, I’m thinking more like 90-120, if you see what I mean. Not really. Are you going bar-hopping in Magaluf? Certainly not. Is it a trip to Vegas? World capital of debauchery. What happens there stays there, you know. No! Hedonism on Ibiza? No, it’s 2024, not the 1990s! Debauchery is over, darling. Oh. So where are you going? On a longevity vacation. A long holiday? No, a longevity vacation. Right. What’s that? Part of a growing trend for wellness tourism. Ah, the W-word, that’s what this is about. What does one do on a longevity vacation? Well, I’m going to the Four Seasons Resort Maui in Hawaii where I’ll be having the longevity protocol. Which is? “A multi-faceted approach that optimises your body’s natural healing mechanisms and balance.” It comprises “cutting-edge therapies such as ozone, stem cells, exosomes and NAD+”. I don’t know what all of that is, but it sounds cool. Put me down for one – you’ve got yourself a travel companion! Great! Just one thing: it costs £35,351. Oh. You could just have a bit of ozone therapy, where they take out some of your blood, dissolve ozone in it, then put it back. How much? It’s £964. Or there is the cranial release technique, whereby a chiropractor “works to restore proper function to the nervous system and proper balance to body structure”, for only £225. But this is just one very high-end resort; wellness tourism is spreading all over the world. The Global Wellness Institute expects the market to top $1tn (£800bn) this year. Anything for the less rich? You can get a biological age test for a couple of hundred quid. Or I could just look in my passport. Biological age, not chronological. It’s about the rate you are ageing physically. I’m feeling quite old. But I think that’s because, everywhere I look, people are obsessed with longevity. What do doctors say? “There isn’t a single proven treatment that would prolong the life of someone who’s already healthy,” Dr Mark Loafman, a family doctor in Chicago, told the Wall Street Journal. “If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.” Do say: “On second thoughts, I’m just going to eat healthily, run on the beach and swim in the sea.” Don’t say: “Party like it’s 1999!”